B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams - Airplanes Lyrics on Screen HD
will always be my favorite song..
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RESOLUTIONS
for a new year
1) first and foremost....ive been slacking in all areas of my life i guess, but the one that bugs me the MOST is my work ethic. and when it comes to acting, this disappoints me, and others around me i'm sure, a ton. SO number one is to...pour 200% into acting rather than 75%
2) get in shape...since i got a treadmill, i need to be using it lots and lots. so yea, get in shape, lose my winter belly ;)
3) keep the peace....i need to work a lot harder at biting my tongue rather than putting my foot in my mouth. fighting fire with fire only makes a bigger fire.
4) keep in contact with old friends better....i tend to live one day at a time, which i guess isnt necessarily bad in itself, but when you look at the long run and realize that your day to day doesnt include making the effort with people you miss dearly, its time to change.
thats all for now :)
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1) first and foremost....ive been slacking in all areas of my life i guess, but the one that bugs me the MOST is my work ethic. and when it comes to acting, this disappoints me, and others around me i'm sure, a ton. SO number one is to...pour 200% into acting rather than 75%
2) get in shape...since i got a treadmill, i need to be using it lots and lots. so yea, get in shape, lose my winter belly ;)
3) keep the peace....i need to work a lot harder at biting my tongue rather than putting my foot in my mouth. fighting fire with fire only makes a bigger fire.
4) keep in contact with old friends better....i tend to live one day at a time, which i guess isnt necessarily bad in itself, but when you look at the long run and realize that your day to day doesnt include making the effort with people you miss dearly, its time to change.
thats all for now :)
addicted
so i quit coffee. turns out my body needs some form of addiction. the old 90210, and i think this might be the reason why ;)resort.
It's funny...
i mean...there's really NOTHING funny about it, but it's ironic. I've gotten really really sick over the last little while. Understatement on "really"...but my point is, i've gone to the doctor tons thess past few weeks and each time i've gotten different tests, and different medications...all which are really doing absolutely nothing except make me feel nauseous as one of the side effects.
Honestly i've gone to pick up prescriptions for this and that cause maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.. "we'll see".
But then i found another thing that could maybe help. Prayer. Added that to the list of possibilities, last resort kind of deal just in case the other medication didn't put me out of my pain.
I always just expect it to be like that. "when all else fails.....pray". I know it shouldn't be like that, but it's also so uncertain. There's a possibility he could answer our prayers, and there's the possibility he couldn't. Which is the biggest load of shit in itself. Cause God always answers our prayers, just not always in the way we want. My point is though, that's the thing...we try and get it to be the "way we want". So we leave that option til last.
anyhow...here i am. Last resorts, and i'm sorry God, cause you shoulda been my first. But please help me. please.
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i mean...there's really NOTHING funny about it, but it's ironic. I've gotten really really sick over the last little while. Understatement on "really"...but my point is, i've gone to the doctor tons thess past few weeks and each time i've gotten different tests, and different medications...all which are really doing absolutely nothing except make me feel nauseous as one of the side effects.
Honestly i've gone to pick up prescriptions for this and that cause maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.. "we'll see".
But then i found another thing that could maybe help. Prayer. Added that to the list of possibilities, last resort kind of deal just in case the other medication didn't put me out of my pain.
I always just expect it to be like that. "when all else fails.....pray". I know it shouldn't be like that, but it's also so uncertain. There's a possibility he could answer our prayers, and there's the possibility he couldn't. Which is the biggest load of shit in itself. Cause God always answers our prayers, just not always in the way we want. My point is though, that's the thing...we try and get it to be the "way we want". So we leave that option til last.
anyhow...here i am. Last resorts, and i'm sorry God, cause you shoulda been my first. But please help me. please.
castle walls
you're so afraid to fly
you clip your own wings
say i could never soar so high
since childhood memories
on the playground swings
where the hardest thing to hit
was the gravel down below
so you cut down all your hopes
than fight to make them grow
keep it safe with ebb and flow
i see you call it equilibrium
the more you lose the more you leave
and harder the fall, the bigger the wall
hiding the cracks that show through it all
i see you call it your aquarium
a world so deep behind fragile glass
swim away as people pass
but baby you're just waterworks
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you clip your own wings
say i could never soar so high
since childhood memories
on the playground swings
where the hardest thing to hit
was the gravel down below
so you cut down all your hopes
than fight to make them grow
keep it safe with ebb and flow
i see you call it equilibrium
the more you lose the more you leave
and harder the fall, the bigger the wall
hiding the cracks that show through it all
i see you call it your aquarium
a world so deep behind fragile glass
swim away as people pass
but baby you're just waterworks
and you know its more than maybe
that you became your own enemy
won the fight you fought so hard to lose
so regret became your choice to choose
that's all it takes to look away
from anything the shade of grey
cause it's safer for your own heart to steal
than face anything it could well feel
than face anything less than real
T.I feat Christina Aguilera - Castle Walls (FULL NEW SONG 2011) + Downlo...
thanks cass.
if i could sing, maybe this is the song i'd be singing.
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if i could sing, maybe this is the song i'd be singing.
glass slippers
When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he’s everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot; he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.– Taylor Swift
ow.
is this one thing.. really going to keep me from living? from acting. is this some challenge God put in my life to test me? or is it just unfortunate coincidence. I can pray for it to go away, but honestly...im just straight up scared it never ever will.
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do i deserve to pray?
i know i'm sick. but the scary part is i don't know what with.
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which means i don't know how to get better either...
i'm tired of being "careful"
too night.
this i realized...is why i can't dance
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because i know the steps
know the beat
i know which way to move my feet
but i don't want to show
don't want to bow
just in case i "don't know how"
i realized this is why i don't smile
i know the gesture
i know the way
know when after which words to say
but i don't want to smile
don't want to frown
just in case you shut me down
because you can't break what's broken
you can't speak what's spoken
you can't change, and you can't bend
you can't heal, and you can't mend
and this i realized is why i don't
why i don't, why i won't
i'm not invincible
i've come to realize that i'm not invincible. I've come to realize that words hurt, and rejection scars. I've come to realize that no matter how many times you get back up, you'll always keep count. I've realized that faking it til you make it is not aknowledged as strength. I've come to realize that feeling nothing at all means you're only strong on the outside, and that no matter who you hurt, you're hurting yourself 10 times more. I'm not invincible. I can't fly, i don't have superpowers. I've come to realize that with every dangerous choice, i get closer and closer to "chance" showing me its ugly side. With every risk, and opportunity to reap the consequences. Bad things happen. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Sometimes i will fail. Sometimes i will hurt. Sometimes i will regret. I will wish i had done things differently. Wish that i hadn't thought everything would always work out to my advantage just because i'm me. I'm not invincible. never will be.
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weak end.
i hate it how there's no halfway
no question mark that ends in grey
you lose a friend
that is the end.
make what you smile
sometimes...people hold their breath
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they hope, they pray, but forget
to leave their lies in yesterday
rehearsed a smile, that crooked line
fear held high like a flashing sign
sometimes people hold their breath
they wait for that moment
that fragile second
but soon despond
realizing in order to catch
you have to throw
learn to plant
to see it grow
fresh air
to just get up and leave
your fingerprints on the doorway
to just run, far
without a car for a getaway
to just walk on
leave regret in the mailbox
to lock
shut, when the past knocks
watch the newspapers pile
upon the doorpost
cause its old news, old bruise
found yourself a new muse
and now you're clever enough to see
yesterday's lullaby
is tomorrow's symphany
teardrops to raindrops
to rainbow, your epitome
so get up and leave
your fingerprints on the doorway
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your fingerprints on the doorway
to just run, far
without a car for a getaway
to just walk on
leave regret in the mailbox
to lock
shut, when the past knocks
watch the newspapers pile
upon the doorpost
cause its old news, old bruise
found yourself a new muse
and now you're clever enough to see
yesterday's lullaby
is tomorrow's symphany
teardrops to raindrops
to rainbow, your epitome
so get up and leave
your fingerprints on the doorway
this is real.
no suzanne haha i am not writing this because i know you know my blog, but with every acting class, every time i'm on set as an extra i become more and more excited about it. Seriously, every time i get that attachment for a new "side" (i've learnt that a side is 'part of a script') i become more and more and more excited.
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Recently though i was informed that when i'm scared or nervous...i have a certain strategy. It's my defense mechanism...my natural reaction i guess...and it's not a good one at that. My way of protecting myself from embarrassment or insecurity is to be a bitch. i was completely unaware until my acting coach pointed it out. Cause all I'M thinking is "holy crap im nervous/intimidated right now". I wonder how you change that.
I mean it's funny though. Cause i'm really good at picking out other people's automatic defense mechanisms, which they don't realize they're doing, but i can't pick up on my own.
and okay the caffeine deprivation has officially taken over my brain so i cannot finish this blog, which was poorly written due to this lil nuisance anyways haha. gnite
no one really blogs anymore
i can't think of anything i'd rather do than this. act. I wanna win an oscar as cheesy as that sounds. I'm jumping a bit ahead of myself yes. But i just wanna have something so unique about my acting that's not so trivial and obvious. this is what i want to do. act.
ACTION
i want to act. more than you'd ever know. this is where my heart is at.
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but my comfort zone is killing me.
A
i miss school.
i miss essays and reading text and listening to lectures
in class discussions and petty assignments that make you feel accomplished
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i miss essays and reading text and listening to lectures
in class discussions and petty assignments that make you feel accomplished
hair elastic
so tired of the small talk from big mouths
all the things i'd like to do with my life
seem completely pointless
if you're doing it alone
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all the things i'd like to do with my life
seem completely pointless
if you're doing it alone
support
i feel me slipping away some days.
i honestly never realized the importance of support from friends and family in life til i lost it. Not so much from friends, but even then still my close friendships have been on a technological basis vs a physical one, but more so from my family. I'm the "do no right" child. I wonder how much of it is true vs being just the norm of the family now. Either way...it's hard to be happy about where you're going in life when you're doing it alone
on a little bit of an unrelated note, i think that if you tell someone they're something enough.....they eventually become it (to an extent of course). But i mean like...if you tell someone "you're miserable", they eventually do become miserable. At least around you they do. And sometimes i wonder how much of our family dynamic is from us telling each other we're something, and we eventually all became it.
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i honestly never realized the importance of support from friends and family in life til i lost it. Not so much from friends, but even then still my close friendships have been on a technological basis vs a physical one, but more so from my family. I'm the "do no right" child. I wonder how much of it is true vs being just the norm of the family now. Either way...it's hard to be happy about where you're going in life when you're doing it alone
on a little bit of an unrelated note, i think that if you tell someone they're something enough.....they eventually become it (to an extent of course). But i mean like...if you tell someone "you're miserable", they eventually do become miserable. At least around you they do. And sometimes i wonder how much of our family dynamic is from us telling each other we're something, and we eventually all became it.
seventeen
1 Hear, O LORD, my righteous plea;
listen to my cry.
Give ear to my prayer—
it does not rise from deceitful lips.
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listen to my cry.
Give ear to my prayer—
it does not rise from deceitful lips.
optimistry
it's so weird...
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ask me a month ago and i would have said that i was still dying, still living in the past, still wishing things were different. And yes there are occasions i still wish our group of friends were all together, all still conjoined...but this weekend revealed a secret to me about myself.
I'm actually HAPPY with life right now. The new friendships, new experiences, new people, as well as keeping in touch with the people that have meant so much to me...makes me realize im SO GLAD to be out of the bubble.
I still regret lost friendships yes, but i also realize that sometimes life has other plans in store, and just because certain relationships struggle, doesn't mean they didn't still drastically influence you. There are honestly SO many people in this world, so many opportunities. Not all of them great, some of them not even good. But hang onto the ones that are, and seek out the ones to come
4:30 wakeup call
I'm exhausted...i had to wake up at 4:30 to drive "my dad" to the airport....turns out it wasn't only my dad, but also a few players from matthew's soccer team as well as one of their parents. Good thing i had gotten out of my pajamas...
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Anyways, the point is, as we were driving my dad goes "shoot"...and then gets really quiet. I turn to him and ask what's wrong and he goes "i forgot to hug ashley goodbye" as if he wasn't going to see her for years. He continued in silence for the next little bit so i asked, "it's really bugging you isn't it?". He just nodded. It was then that i realized that despite how he acts, or certain differences, he cares more than he lets on.
good morning.
fool food
A foolish son brings grief to his father
and bitterness to the one who bore him.
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions.
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and bitterness to the one who bore him.
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions.
4 ways of knowing
..two of which are reason and emotion.
enemies in fact. Making decisions based on emotion is using your heart instead of head
and making reasonable decisions is based on using your head in stead of your heart
equally crucial, yet calamitous as well. If you choose emotion you base your future on a present feeling or certain hope. With this you could wind up looking back and thinking "what a waste" if it turns out to fall through and disappoint. Just like chasing dreams, more is left to chance. People say follow your heart, but they don't tell you the side effects.
If you choose reason you end up letting chance take its course in a whole other way. You end up stable and secure, and potentially bored out of your mind. Potentially depressed because you left behind happiness, friendship, love....but stable nonetheless.
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enemies in fact. Making decisions based on emotion is using your heart instead of head
and making reasonable decisions is based on using your head in stead of your heart
equally crucial, yet calamitous as well. If you choose emotion you base your future on a present feeling or certain hope. With this you could wind up looking back and thinking "what a waste" if it turns out to fall through and disappoint. Just like chasing dreams, more is left to chance. People say follow your heart, but they don't tell you the side effects.
If you choose reason you end up letting chance take its course in a whole other way. You end up stable and secure, and potentially bored out of your mind. Potentially depressed because you left behind happiness, friendship, love....but stable nonetheless.
rotenberg method
In acting there is a method called the swing method. Virtually it states that there is a left hand side and right hand side and all people swing from one side to the other without actually landing on what they feel. They use happiness to cover up sadness, or to an extent vice versa. After sitting with my parents and another couple from our church as they discussed authenticity...i realized that Rotenberg, the man with the concept of the swing method, nailed it. There is so little authenticity in life and most of the time people are swinging from emotion to emotion without really landing on what's on their mind, without actually expressing or communicating it.
in a word. there's so much bullshit in life. People pretending to be something they're not. Pretending things are a certain way when they're really the complete opposite.
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in a word. there's so much bullshit in life. People pretending to be something they're not. Pretending things are a certain way when they're really the complete opposite.
fast track
my acting coach has a plan. it scares the crap out of me, in a good way. and it involves moving to LA sooner rather than later. This means i won't be attending university....
...i've always wanted to go to universitydon't get me wrong. i want this so bad. but i want to go to university
i don't know what to do
i built a wall
i built a wall around my heart
its there so i won't fall apart
i used my tears to build the base
supported by the hopes i chased
each iron brick was for each time i grew
cemented by wasted thoughts of you
my ladder was for each new song
each lyric, each verse, that kept me strong
every now and then i would take a break
long enough for my heart to ache
for each fresh start i start to build
with each goodbye, become more skilled
i built a wall around my heart
it's there so i won't fall apart
its there so i won't fall apart
i used my tears to build the base
supported by the hopes i chased
each iron brick was for each time i grew
cemented by wasted thoughts of you
my ladder was for each new song
each lyric, each verse, that kept me strong
every now and then i would take a break
long enough for my heart to ache
for each fresh start i start to build
with each goodbye, become more skilled
i built a wall around my heart
it's there so i won't fall apart
16, twenty four
Pleasant words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
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sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
remember my name
so the goal to finish writing one novel by september definitely failed...
lets say october :P
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lets say october :P
it last longer
if i could go back and take a picture
of all the moments left uncaptured
of all the laughs saved from memory
all those times that you find yourself
awkwardly smiling to yourself about
as you think about them later on
i'd go back and save them
put them in a frame
and wish away the part where it ended
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of all the moments left uncaptured
of all the laughs saved from memory
all those times that you find yourself
awkwardly smiling to yourself about
as you think about them later on
i'd go back and save them
put them in a frame
and wish away the part where it ended
its raining.
who woulda thought that not going to school would make me feel busier than i've ever been. Highschool was highschool. The days had more hours and that's maybe why it felt like everything was more spread out than it is today. But nowadays i feel like i'm running from one thing to the next. Two jobs, acting class downtown, studying my scripts and menus as i drive, trying to find volunteer jobs here and there, scheduling hangouts with people i haven't caught up with in forever...
but after the busy. After i come home and start my nightly facebook creeping...i realize that i've kept myself in this "go go go" state so that i don't sit down and realize all of the things that i miss about my old life. Is it bad to miss it? Does anyone else miss it? I mean, yes it was highschool. Highschool was highschool....but dreams seemed so much more concrete, friendships so much more absolute, tomorrows so certain.
hell yes im excited for life. Excited for every new adventure, every new friendship, every new goal...but i haven't "outgrown my old clothes, i don't want to throw them out, i just want the new clothes to add"
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but after the busy. After i come home and start my nightly facebook creeping...i realize that i've kept myself in this "go go go" state so that i don't sit down and realize all of the things that i miss about my old life. Is it bad to miss it? Does anyone else miss it? I mean, yes it was highschool. Highschool was highschool....but dreams seemed so much more concrete, friendships so much more absolute, tomorrows so certain.
hell yes im excited for life. Excited for every new adventure, every new friendship, every new goal...but i haven't "outgrown my old clothes, i don't want to throw them out, i just want the new clothes to add"
we lived and we learned
...the regret of goodbyes
the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
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the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
money honey. it's what we talk about
the stress in my life just increased ten fold....bring it on :S
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Shawn Desman - Something Stupid (New Version 2010)
"don't say you love me unless you mean it, cause i might do something stupid, like believe it"
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misstery
you can't really touch it
let alone put a finger on it
when it happened
but you realize that one day
you turn around
and you don't miss it anymore
that you're still walking on
when you thought it hurt
too much to move
but you realize that you're okay
and you start to wonder
how that happened
because nothing has changed
mystery of missing.
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let alone put a finger on it
when it happened
but you realize that one day
you turn around
and you don't miss it anymore
that you're still walking on
when you thought it hurt
too much to move
but you realize that you're okay
and you start to wonder
how that happened
because nothing has changed
mystery of missing.
enough.
It's funny.
He gives you these little reminders everyday. Reminders to remember him. We asked for them, we pick them up, read them, and then get distracted. And believe me this distraction is no coincidence. So after getting tired of us forgetting, he stops trying to divert us from our focus and plants himself in our focus. Something us ignorant stupid people cannot miss.
A splash of water across the face. wakeup.
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He gives you these little reminders everyday. Reminders to remember him. We asked for them, we pick them up, read them, and then get distracted. And believe me this distraction is no coincidence. So after getting tired of us forgetting, he stops trying to divert us from our focus and plants himself in our focus. Something us ignorant stupid people cannot miss.
A splash of water across the face. wakeup.
DON'T use splenda
i had over 50% of these symptoms....holyyy wow.
http://splendasickness.blogspot.com/2006/03/long-list-of-symptoms.html
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http://splendasickness.blogspot.com/2006/03/long-list-of-symptoms.html
no more cookies
NO. i will not apologize anymore. i did nothing wrong.
i'm tired of defending myself.
tired of fighting fights that aren't meant to be fought
it's enough. it's enough.
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i'm tired of defending myself.
tired of fighting fights that aren't meant to be fought
it's enough. it's enough.
so many words that could rise acrosss your early grave
so run away with me
down these midnight streets
we will take , nothing for granted
nothing for granted
come away with me
life is short and sweet
we will take, nothing for granted
nothing for granted
stop the seasons drifting by
stop believing there's no time
stop your heart from closing up
love your future
love your past
love your body
its all you have
love you secrets bottled up
love them more when you give them up
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down these midnight streets
we will take , nothing for granted
nothing for granted
come away with me
life is short and sweet
we will take, nothing for granted
nothing for granted
stop the seasons drifting by
stop believing there's no time
stop your heart from closing up
love your future
love your past
love your body
its all you have
love you secrets bottled up
love them more when you give them up
i gotta get out
i feel like my dreams got a little lost in the hype of new genesis
cause hope and daring plans don't live in boredom and bliss
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cause hope and daring plans don't live in boredom and bliss
sept 7
i woke up at 10 today, and realized my little brother and sister were sitting in class right now at this big brick building called Pacific Academy. And the more daunting thought is that my little brother is now in highschool (wtf...). But as i poured my cup of coffee i realized that it felt like i was skipping school. That i should be there with them, with all my friends still, exchanging summer stories, commenting on new appearances, new hairstyles, tans, scars from thos late night adventures...PA should be calling me any second now, wondering why I'm not in class, only to find that I'm actually at Cassy's house working on an overdue essay haha.
No but for real, it's a little crazy. Last year around this time, in fact i think it was one of the first highschool chapels of the year, that i leaned over to joanne and said, "it feels like the grade 12's are just away on outreach. They're all off on trips and in week or so they'll all be back sitting with us in chapel again, or up at the front sharing their stories of the their trips, and then everything will go back to normal." Kinda feeling that again. Like all my friends are all just at summer camp, all on some weird transfer program, and that they're all coming back in a week. But they're not.
Not going to lie. I'm more than upset. And its probably just because i am one of the only ones from my friends not going back to school for a while. I have no real routine to wake up to and et going with. Yes I'm going to be busy, but its not a schedule. And to be honest, i love routine. I don't do well with change at all...in fact it takes me a really really really long time to get over things, to get over people, to get over places, to get over it. It's the way i work, its who i am. Am i excited about seeing where this next year takes me? Incredibly. But i feel like it's also getting drowned a little in my emotions. I mean You can call me oddly sensitive, or immature, or whatever, but its still a knife in my chest knowing that highschool is done. No i don't really want to go back, because i feel like IT IS DONE, i'm ready for new adventures. But i'm just not ready for new friends. I spent 13 years with some of these people, 10, 9, 8 with others...even to the people i only spent 3 years with or 2 years with....in such a close knit community, its hard not to get attached. And for me once im attached, it's almost impossible for me to let go. It takes me way too long to move on.
This summer was way different than i expected. But yknow, i'm a believer in learning lessons from experience. And maybe this summer taught me that everything you want from life, every friendship, every goal, every experience...you have to work for and put effort into. Man this is going to be a crazy year. In good ways and bad ways.
Here's to staying in touch, for the friendships that matter, for learning new things, and saying goodbye to the parts of our past we were meant to shed.
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No but for real, it's a little crazy. Last year around this time, in fact i think it was one of the first highschool chapels of the year, that i leaned over to joanne and said, "it feels like the grade 12's are just away on outreach. They're all off on trips and in week or so they'll all be back sitting with us in chapel again, or up at the front sharing their stories of the their trips, and then everything will go back to normal." Kinda feeling that again. Like all my friends are all just at summer camp, all on some weird transfer program, and that they're all coming back in a week. But they're not.
Not going to lie. I'm more than upset. And its probably just because i am one of the only ones from my friends not going back to school for a while. I have no real routine to wake up to and et going with. Yes I'm going to be busy, but its not a schedule. And to be honest, i love routine. I don't do well with change at all...in fact it takes me a really really really long time to get over things, to get over people, to get over places, to get over it. It's the way i work, its who i am. Am i excited about seeing where this next year takes me? Incredibly. But i feel like it's also getting drowned a little in my emotions. I mean You can call me oddly sensitive, or immature, or whatever, but its still a knife in my chest knowing that highschool is done. No i don't really want to go back, because i feel like IT IS DONE, i'm ready for new adventures. But i'm just not ready for new friends. I spent 13 years with some of these people, 10, 9, 8 with others...even to the people i only spent 3 years with or 2 years with....in such a close knit community, its hard not to get attached. And for me once im attached, it's almost impossible for me to let go. It takes me way too long to move on.
This summer was way different than i expected. But yknow, i'm a believer in learning lessons from experience. And maybe this summer taught me that everything you want from life, every friendship, every goal, every experience...you have to work for and put effort into. Man this is going to be a crazy year. In good ways and bad ways.
Here's to staying in touch, for the friendships that matter, for learning new things, and saying goodbye to the parts of our past we were meant to shed.
brick wall waterfall
i just have to keep telling myself that it's not bad.
.....just different
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.....just different
gap.
i'm starting to regret not going to university right away. everyone is so excited, off experiencing new things...i shoulda gone straight there. I know i won't regret it in the end though. I'm excited to see where acting takes me...but right now, i wish i was going to university, meeting new ppl, experiencing new things :(
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winter woke me
aren't we all just full of games
full of names that we don't remember
full of ice saved from decemeber
aren't we all just full of lies
full of plans not worth pursuing
full of questions of what we're doing
aren't we all just full of it
full of words to keep us going
full of skies that keep on snowing
aren't we all just waking eyes
aren't we all just mere disguise
and when we find the thing
just that thing
that one thing
we realize we're all just full of empty
full off goals and full of dream
all based off of this one thing
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full of names that we don't remember
full of ice saved from decemeber
aren't we all just full of lies
full of plans not worth pursuing
full of questions of what we're doing
aren't we all just full of it
full of words to keep us going
full of skies that keep on snowing
aren't we all just waking eyes
aren't we all just mere disguise
and when we find the thing
just that thing
that one thing
we realize we're all just full of empty
full off goals and full of dream
all based off of this one thing
i undermine you, then try and find you
last night ftw.
last night as me and cassy were driving to coquitlam, we decided to give jeff a ring. It hadn't even crossed my mind, and i don't know what made it cross Cassy's either, but it was out of routine to do that, which is sad. We all used to be really good friends with Jeff...but he was different in the last year of highschool. Or at least the second half of highschool. He became quieter. He started drifting away, didn't even come to grad. None of us knew why. And at the same time we did. We just didn't want to like or believe it.
The phone rang three times before he picked up and i was surprised when he didn' say "you've reached jeff rusu please leave a message at the tone." He didn't sound happy. He sounded...more reserved. We asked if we could stop by and say hi. He said sure, and asked if he should meet us anywhere instead. We ended up at mcdonalds where we stayed for the next two and a half hours just talking. And to me that night beat out the rest of the nights i've had...maybe this summer.
He was different. You know when people say "you can tell there's something different about christians" ??..i never really noticed it or thought of it til last night. I always had thought "yeah i'm going to be different" but what i really ended up doing was becoming more fakely nice. He was pretty quiet at first, but when he started talking, he couldn't stop. Like this fire that was spreading. Last night was the first time I've ever seen anyone so confident, so sure, so devoted to what they know and understand in their faith. He began talking about stories about other people, about his church, about the bible. And where it crossed my mind that it was a little like he was preaching to us....it wasn't like that at all. Everything he said was geniuine and he never disagreed with us when we challenged him, he just offered another point of view.
It wasn't necessarily about what he said, but about the way he said it that's stuck in my head. But last night made me think and realize...it's time to go back. I had my fun. I had my "step back". It's time to take two steps forward. There have been so many hints from God to lead me back and i generally choose to ignore them or forget them. That's what happens in life....we get busy. we forget. Time to remember.
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last night as me and cassy were driving to coquitlam, we decided to give jeff a ring. It hadn't even crossed my mind, and i don't know what made it cross Cassy's either, but it was out of routine to do that, which is sad. We all used to be really good friends with Jeff...but he was different in the last year of highschool. Or at least the second half of highschool. He became quieter. He started drifting away, didn't even come to grad. None of us knew why. And at the same time we did. We just didn't want to like or believe it.
The phone rang three times before he picked up and i was surprised when he didn' say "you've reached jeff rusu please leave a message at the tone." He didn't sound happy. He sounded...more reserved. We asked if we could stop by and say hi. He said sure, and asked if he should meet us anywhere instead. We ended up at mcdonalds where we stayed for the next two and a half hours just talking. And to me that night beat out the rest of the nights i've had...maybe this summer.
He was different. You know when people say "you can tell there's something different about christians" ??..i never really noticed it or thought of it til last night. I always had thought "yeah i'm going to be different" but what i really ended up doing was becoming more fakely nice. He was pretty quiet at first, but when he started talking, he couldn't stop. Like this fire that was spreading. Last night was the first time I've ever seen anyone so confident, so sure, so devoted to what they know and understand in their faith. He began talking about stories about other people, about his church, about the bible. And where it crossed my mind that it was a little like he was preaching to us....it wasn't like that at all. Everything he said was geniuine and he never disagreed with us when we challenged him, he just offered another point of view.
It wasn't necessarily about what he said, but about the way he said it that's stuck in my head. But last night made me think and realize...it's time to go back. I had my fun. I had my "step back". It's time to take two steps forward. There have been so many hints from God to lead me back and i generally choose to ignore them or forget them. That's what happens in life....we get busy. we forget. Time to remember.
til xmas comes.
GOALS OF THE REMAINDER OF 2010.
-run. get in shape
-learn piano again
-finish writing 2 or 3 books
-get an agent
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-run. get in shape
-learn piano again
-finish writing 2 or 3 books
-get an agent
regrets
if i look back and taste regret
then let me binge and not forget
because i have cried
and i have laughed
while living life became my craft
but I'll let you know
that not a second, i'd take back
the past's not dead, so leave the black
cause even pictures play a part
in painting future as an art
i don't regret, i don't regret
the love too little
the pain too much
the fight for people
that i've lost touch
call me masochist
cause i know pain
shows you sun behind the rain.
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then let me binge and not forget
because i have cried
and i have laughed
while living life became my craft
but I'll let you know
that not a second, i'd take back
the past's not dead, so leave the black
cause even pictures play a part
in painting future as an art
i don't regret, i don't regret
the love too little
the pain too much
the fight for people
that i've lost touch
call me masochist
cause i know pain
shows you sun behind the rain.
clouds
wishes turn to vanity
and minds mold into one
teardrops stain the pillow
till morning when you're done
dreams reshape the chaos
while running you go on
hoping for a better
counting blades amongst your lawn
pretty songs stir up emotions
as reflections tend to drown
crying to your conscience
calming ups to become down
though words become a pen
writing logic in the dark,
it's versatility of one's memory
that ends up as a markcrumbs
what if's still play their song
coulda woulda shoulda they sing.
and i wonder if they sing to you
or if the song, only i can hear.
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coulda woulda shoulda they sing.
and i wonder if they sing to you
or if the song, only i can hear.
hipsters
a while ago this guy decided to add me on facebook that I didn't know,
so instead of accepting it i just messaged him and asked him how I knew him or where i knew him from...he replied going "oh i don't think we do, whoops". no big deal. A week later however, he pulls the typical creepy "well since we're facebook friends, we should get to know each other a little better ;)". Okay so look. You're 30 so that's an automatic no, but on top of that......we're not facebook friends. I ignored you.
Then as i was downtown with my friends, standing in the back alley of a vintage store, this man slowly walks up to us and is looking at me as if he's about to ask me something. So thinking maybe he liked one of the things I'd just bought or somethinnnggg, i go "hi can i help you?".
"I think i know you"
"Oh?"
"yeah.......you're that girl from facebook"
Then it automatically clicked in, his face was familiar too. WTF! SKETCH.
"oh.....riiiiiigghhtttt..you're that guy i asked how i knew." (frick frick how do i leave)
"yea. melissa right? how's it been?"
"good i gotta go though, bye"
"good seeing you" he called after me as i walked off. wow creepy.
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so instead of accepting it i just messaged him and asked him how I knew him or where i knew him from...he replied going "oh i don't think we do, whoops". no big deal. A week later however, he pulls the typical creepy "well since we're facebook friends, we should get to know each other a little better ;)". Okay so look. You're 30 so that's an automatic no, but on top of that......we're not facebook friends. I ignored you.
Then as i was downtown with my friends, standing in the back alley of a vintage store, this man slowly walks up to us and is looking at me as if he's about to ask me something. So thinking maybe he liked one of the things I'd just bought or somethinnnggg, i go "hi can i help you?".
"I think i know you"
"Oh?"
"yeah.......you're that girl from facebook"
Then it automatically clicked in, his face was familiar too. WTF! SKETCH.
"oh.....riiiiiigghhtttt..you're that guy i asked how i knew." (frick frick how do i leave)
"yea. melissa right? how's it been?"
"good i gotta go though, bye"
"good seeing you" he called after me as i walked off. wow creepy.
:(
my dearest cassandra.i honestly cannot believe that you're leaving. It seemed like just yesterday we were in grade one, and i decided to be your friend because you were a loner jk jk :P But no honestly, i remember everything all so vividly like it was just yesterday that we were playing house on your bunkbed with the asian dolls your dad always brought you from china, or having picnics with raw mr noodles in your front yard, playing tag with nick buse cause he had a crush on you, playing boo boo land (and the frign wingding lol) getting called out most years for friendship issues...usually with me being the one in tears HAHA, to soccer practices in the rain and day trips to victoria island, "issue tissue" and drawing fashion girls in grade 4, making our "machines" and having lloyd put duck tape in my hair, to love notes from kenny....there's so much more.
and now you're off the university. this is unreal. we always talked about all this stuff....but differently. I can't believe you're leaving. Cassy I'm going to miss you so much you don't even know. You were honestly like a sister to me. You didn't put up with my shit, i didn't put up with yours, some years we fought like there was no tomorrow, and the next minute we knew exactly how each other's next sentence would finish...thanks for growing up with me, thanks for always being there for me, especially in my toughest situations. You have such a good heart. Honestly, you're always there for people, always ready to talk to someone, visit someone, bake cookies for someone, drive someone...whatever it may be. I can't wait to hear all your stories from university. <3
love you loser.
read
"the best books are the ones that destroy the weakness of cliches and write their own"
-Mr. Gibs
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-Mr. Gibs
k.m.r.
krisanthimum....
i didn't think I'd be missing you this much. But i do. It hasn't even been a week that you've been gone, and everyday I've cried. Not necessarily just because you're gone even. That's the sad part. But the part that gets me is that we never recovered. I don't know what broke us. I just know that i hate it. I hate that we lost our friendship. Because i was so different when we were close. I was more or less the version of me that i need to become again. I never thought that you'd be the one to help me see my flaws. I always thought that it was you who was blinded. That it was you who needed to see the real me. But here i am realizing that it's your words that are still in my head. Parts of conversations we had after sweden, little tiny moments where i got to experience friendship with you again, your understanding...it just made me realize how wrong I was, am. It also got to me how other people around you looked at you. I've never seen any few people care about someone as much as your friends care about you kris. It means something. Not that you were the funniest person they knew. Not that you were the prettiest person they knew. Not that you were the smartest person they knew (even though you are all of the above)...but because you were the most honest and genuine, caring, and trustworthy friend.
You taught me so much just by who you are kristie. And i mean that with all sincerity. I love you, and i miss you as my best friend. I just can't believe it took me this long to realize. <3
miss you lots
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i didn't think I'd be missing you this much. But i do. It hasn't even been a week that you've been gone, and everyday I've cried. Not necessarily just because you're gone even. That's the sad part. But the part that gets me is that we never recovered. I don't know what broke us. I just know that i hate it. I hate that we lost our friendship. Because i was so different when we were close. I was more or less the version of me that i need to become again. I never thought that you'd be the one to help me see my flaws. I always thought that it was you who was blinded. That it was you who needed to see the real me. But here i am realizing that it's your words that are still in my head. Parts of conversations we had after sweden, little tiny moments where i got to experience friendship with you again, your understanding...it just made me realize how wrong I was, am. It also got to me how other people around you looked at you. I've never seen any few people care about someone as much as your friends care about you kris. It means something. Not that you were the funniest person they knew. Not that you were the prettiest person they knew. Not that you were the smartest person they knew (even though you are all of the above)...but because you were the most honest and genuine, caring, and trustworthy friend.
You taught me so much just by who you are kristie. And i mean that with all sincerity. I love you, and i miss you as my best friend. I just can't believe it took me this long to realize. <3
miss you lots
here's to breathing
i think the point of life is to chase those dreams we doubt deep down, to fall in love when we're afraid of hugs, to call shots on the stars that will one day shoot, to make friends that you fight with daily because you both know you're too good of friends to go anywhere no matter how big the fight, to give people the benefit of the doubt and second chances, but to trust nobody but yourself, to get old without growing tired, and to fear no one but God.
-Mr. Gibs
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-Mr. Gibs
first time i actually paid attention to this song
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah
the rest is still unwritten.
officially 8 incomplete novels... goal til next september?
finish writing at least four of them.
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finish writing at least four of them.
see you in december
my sister just walked out the door...
to be honest i always thought I'd be the first to leave. Always thought I'd be booking it out the front door once the diploma was in my hand. I don't think it's hit me yet...that people are leaving. Even tonight as i stood hugging her, i was too tired to process what was actually happening. December. For people who wake up and walk downstairs and see each other, december is a long time away. Despite the fact we didn't get along that well, the last few days i felt like she was my sister the way she always had been way back. I felt like i was actually going to care way..way..more than i thought i would. It's a season of change. My turn to step up to the plate now.
I'm going to miss you more than you probably realize Kristie. have fun at wheaton. meet lots of people & be safe.
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to be honest i always thought I'd be the first to leave. Always thought I'd be booking it out the front door once the diploma was in my hand. I don't think it's hit me yet...that people are leaving. Even tonight as i stood hugging her, i was too tired to process what was actually happening. December. For people who wake up and walk downstairs and see each other, december is a long time away. Despite the fact we didn't get along that well, the last few days i felt like she was my sister the way she always had been way back. I felt like i was actually going to care way..way..more than i thought i would. It's a season of change. My turn to step up to the plate now.
I'm going to miss you more than you probably realize Kristie. have fun at wheaton. meet lots of people & be safe.
have it my way
I would be living in LA, writing novels that would become movies, writing poetry, and starring in films with a non profit organization called "FAR" (Foreign Animal Rescue) founded and running. I would have graduated from Columbia and be now living on the beach....
the beginning.
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the beginning.
pick a vowel.
you feel based on anticipation of what you hope for in future, what you fear in the present, and what you know from the past.
-Mr Gibs.
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-Mr Gibs.
real.
its funny how just one human has the ability to walk into your life and change it completely. And you think back to that point in time when you first met them, and wonder what if that hadn't happened. Because the people we know influence the decisions we make, and the decisions we make determine the path of our life, and the path of our life determines the person we become. The sad thing is you only realize it when that person who walked in, walks out.
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retweet j.
this has nothing to do with twitter actually, i just wanted to put a nice little name in there, and well....that's the best i got :P haha.
The publicity of your blog and what i said is fine. I'm not one for secrets. haha. I totally agree with everything you've said. I guess I just have too much time on my hands. Especially since my friends all pretty much have their signif others ;) haha. Like i've said and will continue to say, "change only sucks until you get used to it." I guess I'm just not very good at getting used to change. In fact i hate it. When i first painted the walls of my room, i slept terribly for the first week. Not because i didn't like the color of the walls, but because i wasn't used to it. But now i'm completely used to it and don't even think about it.
You're so right about how we didn't have to make any effort to be friends with people in highschool. And now, when i realize the effort I'm having to put in with certain people, it makes me realize who i WANT to put the time in for and the ones i don't. And it also makes me realize the people that want to put the time in for me and the ones that don't.
There's really nothing left to say now. Even goodbye is overrated. There's nothing good about it. We might as well just wave "bye" to people and accept it.
I'm gonna feel like the district manager of friendship's next year haha. Travelling from one place to the next to stay in touch. It'll happen though. :)
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The publicity of your blog and what i said is fine. I'm not one for secrets. haha. I totally agree with everything you've said. I guess I just have too much time on my hands. Especially since my friends all pretty much have their signif others ;) haha. Like i've said and will continue to say, "change only sucks until you get used to it." I guess I'm just not very good at getting used to change. In fact i hate it. When i first painted the walls of my room, i slept terribly for the first week. Not because i didn't like the color of the walls, but because i wasn't used to it. But now i'm completely used to it and don't even think about it.
You're so right about how we didn't have to make any effort to be friends with people in highschool. And now, when i realize the effort I'm having to put in with certain people, it makes me realize who i WANT to put the time in for and the ones i don't. And it also makes me realize the people that want to put the time in for me and the ones that don't.
There's really nothing left to say now. Even goodbye is overrated. There's nothing good about it. We might as well just wave "bye" to people and accept it.
I'm gonna feel like the district manager of friendship's next year haha. Travelling from one place to the next to stay in touch. It'll happen though. :)
sunday post secret.
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
- Steve Jobs
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- Steve Jobs
---
pain, love, and sorrow are the paint for the artists, the lyrics of the musicians, the stanza of each poet.
-Mr. Gibs
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-Mr. Gibs
:D
"smile as if you've never been hurt, as if nothing bad has ever happened, as if they never got to you. And show them all you've still got teeth"
-mg.
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-mg.
one card and the games over.
"not everyone in your life will like you. No matter how hard you try to please them, someone will always have something against you for some reason or another. But just because one person may not like your smile, doesn't mean you should stop smiling. Just because one person doesn' tlike your voice, doesn't mean you should stop talking. Just because one person doesn't like your choices, doesn't mean you shouldn't choose. Jut because one person doesn't like your moves, doesn't mean you should stop dancing. Just because one person doesn't like your heart, doesn't mean you should stop loving"
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- mr gibs.
you wouldn't believe me
you wouldn't believe me if i told you
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but it's up to you what you see
i can't change the craft of your eyes
or even hope that you agree
But I'll let you take words without meaning
and let your mind define what's there
Because one poem of a million
could be one to strike you where you care
But i see you, and I see the sky in your eyes
I can see you, see the truth behind your lies
I see your lonely and your pride
I see the pain that breaks your stride
I see the smile that fades away
and hear the words you dare not say
But that's all.
Your guard is good, I'll give you that
Flat, it's so down pat
You wouldn't believe me though, if i told you
that it's okay to care.
-mr gibs.
too little. too late.
i know it's all so cliche
but maybe that's what it was all about
being the overplayed song on the radio
being the Lord of the Rings rerun
being the knock knock of jokes
but everything's all just too little too late
a death in the dark, a walk in the park
and there's no rock paper scissors when it comes to time
you can't kill time with a gun
time kills you
and everything's all just too little too late now
it's a shame. the way life does that.
gain or pain
no grey clouds that don't rain
now the jokes on you. move on
and if at first you don't succeed, lie lie again.
because everything's all just too little too late
but maybe that's what it was all about
being the overplayed song on the radio
being the Lord of the Rings rerun
being the knock knock of jokes
but everything's all just too little too late
a death in the dark, a walk in the park
and there's no rock paper scissors when it comes to time
you can't kill time with a gun
time kills you
and everything's all just too little too late now
it's a shame. the way life does that.
gain or pain
no grey clouds that don't rain
now the jokes on you. move on
and if at first you don't succeed, lie lie again.
because everything's all just too little too late
kris kross
my dear older sister. It's incredibly weird to think that in such a short amount of time, you will be off to chicago..300 dollars away. I can't remember the last time i had to pay to see you. It's your birthday today, and you're 19 so happy birthday...what am i going to do without you. I love you so much kristie michelle roxburgh. Your empty bedroom is going to be so...so...so weird to look at. Thinking about it just makes me sad already. I'll try not to go in it without asking you while you're gone, but i have a feeling you'll be taking most of your stuff anyways ;) haha. Kris kross, you'll always be my favorite older sister.i'm funny.
it's funny.
a while ago now, i had this day where i kept getting nudged to text this friend of mine. And i kept brushing it off because i kept thinking "so out of the blue? i have no reason to text him at the moment". Not that i didn't want to, but i didn't wanna have small chat for no reason. I hadn't talked to him in a few weeks and he wasn't the kind of friend i have small chat with. He's the kind I'd have a decent conversation with.
Anyways, so it comes to the evening and i still didn't text him. I wound up at the park, on the swings, where i usually do when I'm killing time or just want to think (fun fact: i have a fetish for swings) and i pull out my phone and i hear that little voice at the back of my head again "text him". So finally i decide to shut this voice up and see what happens, if there's a reason for me to text him. So i do.
"Hey what's up, I had the urge to text you today, haha not totally sure why"
But it was his reply that made me laugh.
"Hey, that's so funny, at work today i kept getting this feeling that you were going to text me today"
And it occured to me that God was playing with me. See, I look for humor in a guy. It's probably one of the more important things to me. This friend of mine is hilarious and passionate about God, so i think God was saying to me "see, I can be funny too, look for my humor". It sucks. when God starts trying to get your attention again eh.
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a while ago now, i had this day where i kept getting nudged to text this friend of mine. And i kept brushing it off because i kept thinking "so out of the blue? i have no reason to text him at the moment". Not that i didn't want to, but i didn't wanna have small chat for no reason. I hadn't talked to him in a few weeks and he wasn't the kind of friend i have small chat with. He's the kind I'd have a decent conversation with.
Anyways, so it comes to the evening and i still didn't text him. I wound up at the park, on the swings, where i usually do when I'm killing time or just want to think (fun fact: i have a fetish for swings) and i pull out my phone and i hear that little voice at the back of my head again "text him". So finally i decide to shut this voice up and see what happens, if there's a reason for me to text him. So i do.
"Hey what's up, I had the urge to text you today, haha not totally sure why"
But it was his reply that made me laugh.
"Hey, that's so funny, at work today i kept getting this feeling that you were going to text me today"
And it occured to me that God was playing with me. See, I look for humor in a guy. It's probably one of the more important things to me. This friend of mine is hilarious and passionate about God, so i think God was saying to me "see, I can be funny too, look for my humor". It sucks. when God starts trying to get your attention again eh.
the little things.
This school, built me. I'm not one to be deep and emotional all the time, haha for sure not. But at the same time whenever i think about grad, a sad tug in my heart happens, and I start to reminisce. No but seriously, this school built me.
In elementary school I wasn't the kid to cry when their parents left them. No in fact, i was more fascinated by the pencil holders we were all given with our names on them. I was too distracted by these to notice when my parents even left the class. They were blocks that looked like black boards, and had a small decoration apple on the end of it. My apple fell off within a year..
I remember learning how to slide scissors across paper in a way that made a clean cut edge, and the many times i practiced this and failed miserably ripping my paper in the process. I remember giving my friend an apple seed and telling him that if he planted it an apple tree would grow "my Nana said so". I remember my first kindergarten kiss on the playground, and being absolutely disgusted because boys had cooties. I think he missed anyways.Highschool, is now in the same boat as my kindergarten memories though. Memories. It's so weird to think that. That we won't be going back to highschool in September. And i think about all the petty little fights i had with people, and it just makes me laugh. What was the point? And i remember thinking i'd be thinking that later on....well here i am. I remember getting mad at joanne for who knows what, and Cassy for who knows what. What was it worth? Nothing more than something to look back at and shake your head at.
Call me creepy for noticing the little things, but I know I'm not the only one (cough* joanne *cough) who does. The pod for instance. You walk into our pod, and you've got the asian crew along the lockers closest to beebe's class, and then alyssa, emma, chelsea, etc. in front of them on those benches, and then you've got yoris leo etc (unless they were wandering around) on the far end by engler's class. By the lockers closer to the office side you had kierra justine... you had erica and jenna walking around most of the time, but i always remembered them standing around the lockers by the girl's bathroom. I could list everyone else, but you get the jist.
And it's just sad because I'm going to miss the little things the most. Isn't that always how it is. Nevermind grad rafting, or grad even for that matter. I'd give grad up in an instant to live in the little things again for a while. Like scooting around the science lab, because that's how everyone got around that room, unless of course you were stuck on one of the broken chairs, then sucks to be you kiddo :P. Or what about the librarian shushing people for absolutely no reason, because "we were being quiet" and her little spectacle that everyone would bond over after she'd left by eye glances that meant inside we were all bursting out in laughter. What about everyone sleeping on the benches in the pod.
I can remember everyone specifically too, joanne walking into school with her small girl swag on, wet hair in the mornings a lot of the time, backback on, and another bag in hand, straight to her locker, where someone or another would go and talk to her, just because that's Joanne for you :) Or Therese rockin the uniform accessories, or Cassy a lot of the time pulling off the "i don't give a ___" look and Miles teasing her for it the way he teased everyone in general. Or Zane's comfy looking shoes that looked a little like slipper shoes. David strutting up and down the hall on a mission most of the time. Trevor, never found without his guitar sticks or his laptop, it was always one or the other. JR, NEVER without his headphones, bopping along to his ipod. Travis, always on his phone...always. If no one was texting him, he'd pull it out of his pocket at least once during conversations lol. Jeff getting worked up about something or another with a slight romanian accent. In fact i can hear his "WHAT, no!" in my head right now. Natalie laughing along to anything and everything haha. Levi standing there, arms folded looking curious and on occasion giving the suspicious eye, Luke by his side. Femi with his water jug, chin up, walking in his Femi way, arms out for a hug to whoever was closest. Carmela pulling a dance move in awkward moments, or pulling the sexy/serious face pose.
These are the things I'm gonna miss. a lot. too much in fact.
10 things.
when something doesn't bend, it breaks...
1) we were friends. That's all i want. seriously...i don't get it.
2) hey fag who lives in richmond. come back.
3) I guess everything happens for a reason right?...that's what you were. thanks for being a reminder about the things i need to concentrate on. I hope you're doing okay :(
5) this is not up to you anymore. everyone's always being the bigger person for you, when it should be the opposite. "In humility, consider others better than yourself"...isn't that how it goes?
6) "strangers are people who know you for how you want them to know you, where friends see through that...which is why they're friends" kind of sums it up.
7) i see you. broken. i wish you weren't so lonely. stay strong for me. things will get better. I promise.
8) I'm going to miss you. chicago is too far away. But it'll be good for you. <3
9) i should have said thank you a long time ago.
10) _____________________________
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1) we were friends. That's all i want. seriously...i don't get it.
2) hey fag who lives in richmond. come back.
3) I guess everything happens for a reason right?...that's what you were. thanks for being a reminder about the things i need to concentrate on. I hope you're doing okay :(
5) this is not up to you anymore. everyone's always being the bigger person for you, when it should be the opposite. "In humility, consider others better than yourself"...isn't that how it goes?
6) "strangers are people who know you for how you want them to know you, where friends see through that...which is why they're friends" kind of sums it up.
7) i see you. broken. i wish you weren't so lonely. stay strong for me. things will get better. I promise.
8) I'm going to miss you. chicago is too far away. But it'll be good for you. <3
9) i should have said thank you a long time ago.
10) _____________________________
in reality
"life's not fair" is a poor excuse for "I'm not willing to try to make it fair"
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tough brood.
Guess what...
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If you think about it...Prince charming was the prince for a few disney movies. So this Prince charming guy..? Yeah, he was a player. Landed Snow White AND cinderella. So don't think he's all he's cracked up to be. Don't expect that he doesn't probably have a few other princesses in far away lands as well. Welcome to reality people. Fairytales aren't all they're cracked up to be. These princesses never got their happily ever after either.
facebook status i saw:
-it's so sad how people become who they promised they'd never be
no this does not mean all people. But holy crap....agreed beyond belief. And can't say i'm faultless when it comes to this either, which i guess is what makes me agree with it so much. In fact there's a lot of things i said I'd never do, or traits I said I'd never possess....which now i do. It just makes you think eh? The plot line of everyone's life. And how that one fight with someone, or that one bad relationship, or that one night, that one test, that one choice....made them go left rather than straight.
and then one day....
try having your three best friends move away. try being broke with a phone that doesn't work. try not having your N and being worried about your own future. I'm sorry for the pessimism but realism was too apathetic.
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ignorance is bliss
"i don't believe in soulmates. i really don't. I mean people can pretend that there's that special someone, and that destiny lands them in the right place at the right time to meet this right person, or maybe destiny was a bitch and they wound up apart forever...but i still don't believe in soulmates. And as much as I'd like to try, i don't believe that everything happens for a reason either. Don't get me wrong, I love coincidences as much as the next person and i believe in a bigger picture...but when it comes down to it i think that soulmates are something people made up to relieve the heartache or losing the "wrong" person or fuel the hope of finding the right one. People stopped fighting fate and wrestling with reality. They let events blindly lead them instead of working for themselves. Because the truth is where someone may be right for you, doesn't mean they're the only person for you. And that brings me to believe in luck, luck that you'll come across the handful of people that are right for you"
-Mr. Gibs
road regret
i regret not trying harder in IB. i'm reaping the consequences now....
It's just weird to think that the small choices we made to study, or not to study one extra hour, one extra chapter, etc....led us to staying at a local university where we would stay in familiarity of people and place, versus a university far off where you basically have to start all over again. I just feel numb...upset...mostly at myself for not trying harder. At myself for not pushing harder, for not giving up my social life when i should have, for not giving up IB if i should have, for joining IB in the first place. It's just weird watching your dreams get flushed down the toilet and not being able to change that. It's weird knowing that you could have done better. And weird doesn't come close to describing the blank thoughts that fill the spots your hopes and plans filled when the sky was the limit.
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It's just weird to think that the small choices we made to study, or not to study one extra hour, one extra chapter, etc....led us to staying at a local university where we would stay in familiarity of people and place, versus a university far off where you basically have to start all over again. I just feel numb...upset...mostly at myself for not trying harder. At myself for not pushing harder, for not giving up my social life when i should have, for not giving up IB if i should have, for joining IB in the first place. It's just weird watching your dreams get flushed down the toilet and not being able to change that. It's weird knowing that you could have done better. And weird doesn't come close to describing the blank thoughts that fill the spots your hopes and plans filled when the sky was the limit.
rainbow.
WTF LOCAL COLOR....give me more jobs. why is everyone else getting booked :(
yes i understand my picture was when i was tired...but really??
ugh. and please don't call me an hour before a job asking me if i want it. the answer would be no i'm asleep that early.
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yes i understand my picture was when i was tired...but really??
ugh. and please don't call me an hour before a job asking me if i want it. the answer would be no i'm asleep that early.
i have pictures.
once upon the past...we shared dreams, we shared secrets, we shared lives. We watched the time tick by, slowly wishing it back. Every time memories swarmed, we'd run to the tokens that kept us together; every moment of deja vu, we'd reminisce the days we'd lived. And then the fairytale ended and life began to show us that the simplicity of the past becomes more and more simplistic as years go by, and the future becomes more and more uncertain. But that's no reason to walk backwards, because it will only leave you sightless to what's in store. Turn around and live dangerously ever after.
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you took the good out of good morning.
"i'm sorry" won't even begin to mend what time could not.
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1:30 am.
i'm gonna wish on the moon tonight
see there's a lot of stars in the sky
some even shooting
some bigger than the sun
but other nights
there are none
but tonight i'm going to wish on the moon
cause those other stars might fade
or get lost in the layout of the universe
but the moon, that's constant
so tonight, i'm gonna wish on the moon
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see there's a lot of stars in the sky
some even shooting
some bigger than the sun
but other nights
there are none
but tonight i'm going to wish on the moon
cause those other stars might fade
or get lost in the layout of the universe
but the moon, that's constant
so tonight, i'm gonna wish on the moon
eyes tell stories
but do they know how
to craft fiction?
do they know how to spin
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to craft fiction?
do they know how to spin
lies?
His eyes swear forever,
flatter with vows of only
me. But are they empty
flatter with vows of only
me. But are they empty
promises?
I stare into his eyes, as
into a crystal ball, but
I cannot find forever,
into a crystal ball, but
I cannot find forever,
only
movies of yesterday
a sketchbook of today,
dreams of a shared
a sketchbook of today,
dreams of a shared
tomorrow
His eyes whisper secrets.
But are they truths or fairy tales?
I wonder if even he
But are they truths or fairy tales?
I wonder if even he
knows.
- a poem by eden streit
:)
out of everything.... this is what made my day
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going for a run (..walk) past the fire hall i passed the group of handicapped adults that take their daily, weekly?, stroll around the area. As i headed down the hill, I noticed one of the elderly ladies was lagging behind. i watched as she watched me from across the street, unaware that her group was at this point quite far ahead. Her eyes weren't on the path in front of her and she walked off into the bushes nearly toppling over. At first i was a little worried that she would fall and hurt herself, but she regained her balance and stepped back onto the path, and with her oblivious smile started waving frantically at me. After waving back the woman hurried off to her group.
funny how the little things in life can make us smile more so than the big things.
meet my friend, time.
I've known him for as long as i can remember. I can't say that we've always gotten along, but for the most part he's given me everything that i need. Of course there's been those days where i definately don't see him enough and there's not enough of him to go around because so many people want him, but there's also those days i see him too much and get so sick of him. But he's healed a lot of wounds for me, he's made me forget a lot of things i couldn't have forgotten without him. He's helped me get over a lot of crap, helped me forgive, helped me see straight again. It seems though that sometimes he's not there when i want him the most, he just slips away no matter how hard i try and hang onto him. Like in the blink of an eye he was there, and now all i have left is the jacket he left behind, or the pictures he gave me. He's kind of a bitch that way. Especially when i have a lot of work and i need him, he just figures he has better places to be and runs off. I take him for granted for sure though. I never really appreciate when he's there, i just complain when he's not. To be honest, i ignore him a lot when he's there. But i know that he'll be there for me over the years. No matter how many are left. That's the thing, and I'm worried for him, because I'm afraid something will happen to him. I'm afraid he'll leave me unexpectedly. But when he leaves, wether its when he's old and grey or whether it's by accident..I'm dreading that day. The day i say, "i don't have time". The day we'll say our goodbyes.
in my defense
i love you <3...but you don't know half of who i am just by hacking onto my accounts.
i know you've tried to sit down and hear my thoughts and figure me out. But you still don't know the other half of who i am. We are still different, we will always be different. I still love you, i respect your decisions, you have what i envy, but that doesn't mean i want it in the same way you do. please understand that.
faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
today i saw joanne. so right off the bat there's something to blog about, cause that doesn't happen every day.....anymore :(
lol but coming home i walked through PA because it's safer than walking around through the streets. At least there was a security guard on his bike there....funny thing eh? while pranking the school on the last night there was no security guard, but now in the middle of summer there is. hm. anyways the fact that PA is safe gave me a little heart tug to begin with and as i walked past the door looking down the gr.9 hallway i was tempted to stop, but i figured the security guard would be maybe slightly suspicious if some random was looking into the school at 10 pm on a saturday night. But that was a familiar hallway to me, and as i walked on i walked past the library, the empty cafeteria..i walked down the all to familiar pathway that had led me to chapel so many time...it was too familiar. And it's weird to think that in just over a month i won't be going back through those doors, won't be going to the lunch spot, won't be attending another chapel. wow i suck at change.
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lol but coming home i walked through PA because it's safer than walking around through the streets. At least there was a security guard on his bike there....funny thing eh? while pranking the school on the last night there was no security guard, but now in the middle of summer there is. hm. anyways the fact that PA is safe gave me a little heart tug to begin with and as i walked past the door looking down the gr.9 hallway i was tempted to stop, but i figured the security guard would be maybe slightly suspicious if some random was looking into the school at 10 pm on a saturday night. But that was a familiar hallway to me, and as i walked on i walked past the library, the empty cafeteria..i walked down the all to familiar pathway that had led me to chapel so many time...it was too familiar. And it's weird to think that in just over a month i won't be going back through those doors, won't be going to the lunch spot, won't be attending another chapel. wow i suck at change.
black nailpolish
i bet that it's a possible that 8 times out of 10, we miss up on the opportunity to get to know someone that we could have gotten along with really really really well, possibly liked, possibly become best friends with, possibly cared deeply for, despite being already acquainted with them, merely because we just never end up crossing the right path at the right time.
weird to think about.
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weird to think about.
my mattress says vogue
i look back on some of my earliest blogs, and along with the smile comes a little cringe. I mean, i sound like i was trying to be all deep and profound. It's just funny though, trying to remember the mindset i had back when i was writing them over a year ago.
Here's what's running through my mind at the moment though...
lately a friend of mine has been helping me out with prayer. It's so foreign coming back to all of it, and honestly a part of me doesn't want to. I'd definately be okay with not for just a little while longer, putting it off just for another while or so. But then at the same time, THAT scares me even more to an extent. Like i've said, and i'll say it again, i'm a black and white kind of person. And as much as i'd like to be grey right now, i know that it's only being "lukewarm" and i know God spits those kinds of people out of his mouth.
I guess i should just take some of my own advice eh, give God complete control. I'm just not ready to....but once again, i need to take my own advice with what i spoke on in chapel too. "strength comes from letting go. ugh. I guess where i'm at in a nutshell is that
- I've been getting so many nudges from God to go back to him
- I don't want to change so parts of my life
- I'm scared to not change, and deal with bigger consequences than i planned on
:S
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Here's what's running through my mind at the moment though...
lately a friend of mine has been helping me out with prayer. It's so foreign coming back to all of it, and honestly a part of me doesn't want to. I'd definately be okay with not for just a little while longer, putting it off just for another while or so. But then at the same time, THAT scares me even more to an extent. Like i've said, and i'll say it again, i'm a black and white kind of person. And as much as i'd like to be grey right now, i know that it's only being "lukewarm" and i know God spits those kinds of people out of his mouth.
I guess i should just take some of my own advice eh, give God complete control. I'm just not ready to....but once again, i need to take my own advice with what i spoke on in chapel too. "strength comes from letting go. ugh. I guess where i'm at in a nutshell is that
- I've been getting so many nudges from God to go back to him
- I don't want to change so parts of my life
- I'm scared to not change, and deal with bigger consequences than i planned on
:S
blurb
i've kind of just given blurbs of random things since grad. Haven't written written in a long time, and joanne's ramble motivated me to get to it.....
so i got my IB diploma...not exactly as high as i would have liked, but its too late to do anything about that now, but as everyone's preparing for school, getting enrolled, buying dorm things, bed covers, pillows, picture frames, finding out who's on their floor...and as i sat with joanne as she chose her classes, i got excited...even though i'm not going anywhere. I'm tempted to just apply for spring 2011 and differ if i'm still not ready to go back to school. But at least i know i'll be able to get into schools :P.
It's just weird seeing that this is where life is taking us all. People are spreading out, and it sucks. Talking to joanne, she said "i just keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this dream", and i agree. Like when is someone going to tell me that i still have to hand in my essay, or when am i going to go and sleep in the pod again, walk into the caf and see if anyone's in there, or grab a late slip cause i accidently slept in, tuck my shirt in frantically as i walk past a teacher... i mean i know change only sucks until you get used to it, but i guess then at the moment i just know i'm waiting for goodbyes still, like my sister...who's going to chicago for her undergrad. "i'll be back for the holidays" yeah okay...not the same. other people going off to other places too. I guess i just got so comfortable, it was fine the way it was. Life has a habit of changing things up when i least want them to change.
at the same time...im excited for a good summer. I don't know how it's going to be, but i know it's going to be good. :)
that wasn't half the blurb i intended to write, but i'm watching the bachelorette so im a little distracted :P
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so i got my IB diploma...not exactly as high as i would have liked, but its too late to do anything about that now, but as everyone's preparing for school, getting enrolled, buying dorm things, bed covers, pillows, picture frames, finding out who's on their floor...and as i sat with joanne as she chose her classes, i got excited...even though i'm not going anywhere. I'm tempted to just apply for spring 2011 and differ if i'm still not ready to go back to school. But at least i know i'll be able to get into schools :P.
It's just weird seeing that this is where life is taking us all. People are spreading out, and it sucks. Talking to joanne, she said "i just keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this dream", and i agree. Like when is someone going to tell me that i still have to hand in my essay, or when am i going to go and sleep in the pod again, walk into the caf and see if anyone's in there, or grab a late slip cause i accidently slept in, tuck my shirt in frantically as i walk past a teacher... i mean i know change only sucks until you get used to it, but i guess then at the moment i just know i'm waiting for goodbyes still, like my sister...who's going to chicago for her undergrad. "i'll be back for the holidays" yeah okay...not the same. other people going off to other places too. I guess i just got so comfortable, it was fine the way it was. Life has a habit of changing things up when i least want them to change.
at the same time...im excited for a good summer. I don't know how it's going to be, but i know it's going to be good. :)
that wasn't half the blurb i intended to write, but i'm watching the bachelorette so im a little distracted :P
no.regrets.
don't count on tomorrow
tomorrow might be too late
don't count on waiting
because sometimes other people don't
better safe than sorry is sometimes the best way to end up sorry
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tomorrow might be too late
don't count on waiting
because sometimes other people don't
better safe than sorry is sometimes the best way to end up sorry
sometimes we get lost along the way
"so many times we look forward, hoping to visualize the better, more put together, more in touch with ourself, version of who we see and want to be, this black concrete image....but i've come to realize that sometimes when you look back, you realize that that black concrete visualization can sometimes become a grey mess you now sit in. So you say you'll go back to the way you used to be and try again. But there is no going back, there only is going forward. The new black image affected by the old grey mess. And what makes you think that your perfect black image will stay there, put together, like a finish line you're working towards. Along the way you forget what your goal looked like to begin with. It is only ever useful if you're building your concrete black image in the present rather than the future..."
-mr gibs
-mr gibs
i told myself that to become the better version of me, i'd take a step back from what i thought was fake christianity and so later on i'd be able to take two steps forward. But whenever you take a step back from something in order to take two steps forward, you'll never take those two steps in the same direction....in fact, your forward could have been your backwards, meaning you really just took three steps back.
I thought in order to become the "real" version of me, i'd live in reality rather than the bubble i found life had created for me. But now more than ever, i've realized that by trying to open my eyes more, i just closed them to the points of view i didn't want to deal with. I was so convinced that my trials of trying to figure out what i wanted as my morals and values were effectively turning me into someone real...i was wrong.
thank you kristie. we don't always agree, but the things that stuck in my mind are pushing points for me and i can't say i didn't agree with them. I agreed with a lot. Mind you its about how we go about them that makes us different.
marks
our IB marks are up
unfortunately i don't have my login information because i LOST the sheet which had it on it, and mrs smith is away until august 30th.....so i'm screwed. but the whole idea of university now is scaring me. My marks could have been way way way better. I don't know what i did to myself, but i became lazy and disorganized. What if my marks aren't even good enough now. i KNOW it's my own fault, but there's so much I would have liked to do in life, and i know no door is ever really closed, but i'm going to have to suffer the consequences of my laziness in IB i feel. Guess i won't know til i find my login info :S
so scared
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unfortunately i don't have my login information because i LOST the sheet which had it on it, and mrs smith is away until august 30th.....so i'm screwed. but the whole idea of university now is scaring me. My marks could have been way way way better. I don't know what i did to myself, but i became lazy and disorganized. What if my marks aren't even good enough now. i KNOW it's my own fault, but there's so much I would have liked to do in life, and i know no door is ever really closed, but i'm going to have to suffer the consequences of my laziness in IB i feel. Guess i won't know til i find my login info :S
so scared
shade of grey
i hate it when things are grey. black and white baby....that's how it goes.
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i just need to know....
post secret sunday
i realized that it's okay to care. in every aspect other than caring that other people care that you care. who cares about that.
today told me to tell you..
1) it's not better to choose peace over your morals, over your points of view, over your beliefs...but you just have decide the smartest time, and the smartest way to fight for them
2) the best lesson to learn is to get your nose out of the air to realize that it's runny...
3) always ask why. people aren't the way they are for no reason at all.
4) leave your heart like a retractable dog leash. Always open...but if needed, at the click of the button, can be reeled back in and locked.
5) Never say goodbyes too early. period.
to you girl,
you know who you are...
someone told me once about taking a chance with someone, and they were afraid to because they didn't want to ruin the solid friendship they'd created over time. They even said that they shouldn't because once they cross the line, they can't really go back over it. Another friend is going through the same thing to an extent, so here's what i have to regurgitate from talking to the first friend.
"It's like a basketball player. He can be a great basketball player on his driveway, and practice there and be comfortable there. Or he could get on a real court, and be an amazing player with the practice and coaching that would make him so"....it's up to you.
lesson learned
my mouth is my achilles heel. Sometimes i say things without thinking.....scratch that. I say a lot of things without thinking. I'm impulsive, and speak based on either emotion, or the conception that it's a good idea to say something, and don't really think about the consequences of it. Driving home from the mall with my dad though I realized that as angry as i could be at someone, or as frustrated as i could be at someone, sometimes it's better to just say "I'm sorry" or to make peace or to NOT say everything else you'd rather say. For a while i thought it was better to be open and honest with people, to not keep secrets or beat around a bush or to hide something, but i realized now that even if it's good to be honest with people....you should NOT be open with EVERYBODY. I'm not saying keep your mouth closed unless you need to, but when you have to make sure that what comes out of it is thought out and useful (note to myself).
lesson learned.
window pane: watching someone leave out the window
most of the time we don't go out and get what we want, even when we know we have the power to, and even when we know we have the confidence to.....because we want to see if it comes to us first.
-mr gibs.
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-mr gibs.
prayers answered
is it too much to ask that you take it away.
Take it back to when things were okay
Can I trust you to heal me when all else has failed
To keep me alive
To strengthen my will
Am I out of line if I ask you to hear
To listen and help; draw yourself near
I want to move on
Die to the past
I try to step slowly
But my heart takes it fast
Can you unburden my back
Loosen the load
Can you show me the path
When there’s a fork in the road
Will you walk there beside me
Will you carry me through
Can you give me a map
When I can’t find a clue
I’m asking for mercy because I know that you’re there
I know you’ll help when there’s too much to bear
But I wish you’d speak louder
Because there’s dirt in my ears
Dirt that’s accumulated from over the years
Shout please. Just give me a sign
Let me know that soon I’ll be fine.
Read more »
Take it back to when things were okay
Can I trust you to heal me when all else has failed
To keep me alive
To strengthen my will
Am I out of line if I ask you to hear
To listen and help; draw yourself near
I want to move on
Die to the past
I try to step slowly
But my heart takes it fast
Can you unburden my back
Loosen the load
Can you show me the path
When there’s a fork in the road
Will you walk there beside me
Will you carry me through
Can you give me a map
When I can’t find a clue
I’m asking for mercy because I know that you’re there
I know you’ll help when there’s too much to bear
But I wish you’d speak louder
Because there’s dirt in my ears
Dirt that’s accumulated from over the years
Shout please. Just give me a sign
Let me know that soon I’ll be fine.
i promise
this i promise to myself today
that one day i will be much more than mediocre. i will use my differences to be something more than a plan B. I will use my voice to shout, but not through anger. I will use my fists to fight, but not to hurt. I will use my legs to run, but not from problems. For every tear lost over basing my happiness on another person, I will see as letting go of caring what they think. I will stop looking up so much and start looking back.And i will stop wasting time for the sake of ease and let people react how they want to react. For all the times i was told "you're wrong", i will use my stubbornness to prove I'm right, and when I'm still wrong, I'll have the humility to admit it. I'll break my pride for apology, and bite my tongue for peace. But I'll be more than mediocre. For all those who doubted, and even for the times i doubted myself, i'll show people that I'm better than my insecurities, I'm better than my hinderances, and I'm stronger than my stop signs. I will be impulsive but I won't act on impluse, I will be open, but not transparent, I will be accepting but not apathetic. I will be more than mediocre. One day I will not be dissapointed in myself, the same way i carry around others' dissapointment of me like a jacket. I will stop following, and start leading, even if it means walking behind. I will live through my actions rather than by word. I won't do it through pride, I won't do it through conceit, nor even deceit, nor for the sake of revenge. I'll wear a smile on my face, but grit my teeth as i strive. I will be more than mediocre. and this today....i promise myself.
sup bloggassss
i feel so cliche saying that
you know in the movies where the person's narration comes on as you see them blogging on their computer. "hey bloggers, for all those who are awake and reading this..." blah blah.
well i guess i'm talking to you then..
you can't be too careful anymore. No for real. It's the end of grade twelve and whatever you want to say, you might as well say it now. Whatever you want to experience, you might as well experience now. Whatever apologies you need to get over, you might as well do it now....
You can't guard your heart right now. You can't beat around the bush.
just say what you mean. and mean what you say.
Read more »
you know in the movies where the person's narration comes on as you see them blogging on their computer. "hey bloggers, for all those who are awake and reading this..." blah blah.
well i guess i'm talking to you then..
you can't be too careful anymore. No for real. It's the end of grade twelve and whatever you want to say, you might as well say it now. Whatever you want to experience, you might as well experience now. Whatever apologies you need to get over, you might as well do it now....
You can't guard your heart right now. You can't beat around the bush.
just say what you mean. and mean what you say.
who knew that the day you let us make our own decisions was the day that you'd kick us out of the family if we didn't choose your way.
Read more »
1) it's weird to think we were ever alike...because now that i talk to you, now that i see you again, i can't imagine that we were ever the same person. Who changed? me? you?...both i guess. And as much as i'd like to, i can't block you out of my life. Not that i'd necessarily want to, but...yknow...we just do not get along.
2) i've tried. I've tried to show you. I've tried to let you see, that i'm going to be me. I'm going to find my own faith, my own way. And being part of a family does not mean being a christian. You'd realize that isn't it about helping me as much as you can, and then letting me do the rest? It's my belief, its my life. I'm not saying i don't believe, but if you force me to go....i'll run.
3) I'm sorry I've been mia. i just needed the break. that's all. You'll still always be one of my #1's. forever and ever. Despite our differences, you've been here the whole time, and i wouldnt want to see you leave.
4) I know, and im sorry. I should have said something, but its selfish and thats why i didn't. But sometimes...only sometimes...i feel like what i have to say doesn't matter as much...
5) let me get my N....its my right. not a privelege. you don't get to determine that. you can't blackmail me
6) thanks for being the big sister and the little sister. You pull your weight a lot more than you should
7) i'm tired of pretending to care...goodbye.
8) yes i still remember you, i just don't have the energy to reunite. I still think about you, but...thats all.
9) i'm not ready to say goodbye, but at the same time curious to see whats ahead
10) you choose sides...its not fair, but i guess thats life. That's how you work, and i'm sorry it turned out that way.
Read more »
2) i've tried. I've tried to show you. I've tried to let you see, that i'm going to be me. I'm going to find my own faith, my own way. And being part of a family does not mean being a christian. You'd realize that isn't it about helping me as much as you can, and then letting me do the rest? It's my belief, its my life. I'm not saying i don't believe, but if you force me to go....i'll run.
3) I'm sorry I've been mia. i just needed the break. that's all. You'll still always be one of my #1's. forever and ever. Despite our differences, you've been here the whole time, and i wouldnt want to see you leave.
4) I know, and im sorry. I should have said something, but its selfish and thats why i didn't. But sometimes...only sometimes...i feel like what i have to say doesn't matter as much...
5) let me get my N....its my right. not a privelege. you don't get to determine that. you can't blackmail me
6) thanks for being the big sister and the little sister. You pull your weight a lot more than you should
7) i'm tired of pretending to care...goodbye.
8) yes i still remember you, i just don't have the energy to reunite. I still think about you, but...thats all.
9) i'm not ready to say goodbye, but at the same time curious to see whats ahead
10) you choose sides...its not fair, but i guess thats life. That's how you work, and i'm sorry it turned out that way.
we live with no regrets
I don't believe in regrets. I mean sure teen pregnancy, not studying for a test and then failing it?? those can be seen as regrets. But on the broader sense, I believe that nobody should regret anything in life. Of course there are exceptions, but you know what i mean...
No one should regret though because I believe that everything we go through in life happens for a reason. yes i'm a believer in this cliche. But the thing is, we learn through everything we do in life, so why miss out on the opportunity to become a stronger person due to a tough situation you may have regarded as a regret. That's why i'm impulsive, i jump into situations without really thinking about it. Which is bad, but its also taught me a lot of things, because live without regrets. I don't live thinking "if only i had...".
Everything happens for a reason.
Read more »
No one should regret though because I believe that everything we go through in life happens for a reason. yes i'm a believer in this cliche. But the thing is, we learn through everything we do in life, so why miss out on the opportunity to become a stronger person due to a tough situation you may have regarded as a regret. That's why i'm impulsive, i jump into situations without really thinking about it. Which is bad, but its also taught me a lot of things, because live without regrets. I don't live thinking "if only i had...".
Everything happens for a reason.
we lived and we learned
first day of school, and you bit your nails to eat away the nerves
you load your desk with new pencil crayons, arranged like the rainbow
the first teardrop comes when you watch your mom walk out the door
and then you get a little scared, cause you're realize your alone
your best friend becomes the girl you sat beside
and you shared your favorite dolls
but then came time to move along, and you left that year behind
and that's the heartbreak of highschool
the regret of goodbyes
the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
the last day of middle school, you were the top of the chain
and as you walked down the halls they all knew your name
you could be as loud as you wanted, or the quiet nobody
because next year you knew was going to be different
next year was highschool, next year was fun
and before you even knew it, grade nine had begun
and you walked out of smallville and into the game
into the house of good times and pain
and that's the heartbreak of highschool
the regret of goodbyes
the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
final year, your closing months, and you realize your friendships
were everything to you, the books you studied, the animals disected
were nothing more than required marks,
but the people you did it with, the shared schedules and locker buddies
were where the memories came from
and as your graduation cap falls back down to the ground
the last tears fall with it as you look around
you're saying goodbye, you're doing it right
this is the most unforgettable goodnight
and that's the heartbreak of highschool
the regret of goodbyes
the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
Read more »
you load your desk with new pencil crayons, arranged like the rainbow
the first teardrop comes when you watch your mom walk out the door
and then you get a little scared, cause you're realize your alone
your best friend becomes the girl you sat beside
and you shared your favorite dolls
but then came time to move along, and you left that year behind
and that's the heartbreak of highschool
the regret of goodbyes
the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
the last day of middle school, you were the top of the chain
and as you walked down the halls they all knew your name
you could be as loud as you wanted, or the quiet nobody
because next year you knew was going to be different
next year was highschool, next year was fun
and before you even knew it, grade nine had begun
and you walked out of smallville and into the game
into the house of good times and pain
and that's the heartbreak of highschool
the regret of goodbyes
the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
final year, your closing months, and you realize your friendships
were everything to you, the books you studied, the animals disected
were nothing more than required marks,
but the people you did it with, the shared schedules and locker buddies
were where the memories came from
and as your graduation cap falls back down to the ground
the last tears fall with it as you look around
you're saying goodbye, you're doing it right
this is the most unforgettable goodnight
and that's the heartbreak of highschool
the regret of goodbyes
the faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time
its the signatures in every yearbook that pile upon a shelf
its gonna be a long road to recovery
its gonna take time to believe that the biggest problems
we thought were world altering, were only mind altering
and even then only for the moment
time to realize the hands we held were only to fill the space
but there's always goodbyes, there's never forevers
and sooner or later no one remembers
the times we cried over love lost and stress
or who at grad wore the prettiest dress
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