one day i'm going to send in a post secret
12 days of christmas
i hope to everyone who can read this that you can see which parts are for you. Because i do specifically have stuff to say to everyone i know. Well, everyone who has been a part of my life recently that is..
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Who i became is directly from these people...and I'm not ashamed of who they created me to be. They've been through it all. The bad...the worse....and the better. They've endured bitch fests and gossip vents. 2am phone calls and essay long letters. They've endured mood swings and embarrassing highs...thanks. For always sticking by. For always listening. For always being crazy enough to do something stupid with me...for staying in the bubble. Thanks for setting me up with people hahahaha, and for making things awkward in my times of need...thats a true friend. for realz. in my words, true friends are not nice...they're people who make moments that they'll know you'll look back on and go "dammmn that was a good time"
DAY #
2) Where do i even start...Whenever i think of talking to someone, you're still one of the first people that come to mind. I remember first realizing i had classes with you. I was worried that it would be a hard year because I didn't know you ATTTT all. i'm pretty sure i had never talked to you before grade 10. And people told me "you'll get to know her"..and well look at that. You're one of my best friends to this day. Thanks for being my creeper friend with me. Thanks for doodling in history class with me, thanks for those pages that now are folded in a drawer for me to take out every once in a while and laugh at. Pages and pages of notes written between the classes we didn't have together and lots of facebooking...lots and lots of it. Thank you. I have always told you that you saved me. I always have and i always will. The beginning of grade 11 was frankly...ridiculous. Without rehashing it, i think its fair to say that we both didn't have our heads screwed on straight at the time. Thank you for the apology you gave me back then when drama broke out though. Its stuck in my head to this very day. You make me cry. You see something in me that I really don't deserve. But at the same time, it strengthens me. It pushes me to be true to myself despite the negativity.
That's whats always been great about you. You're always there. Always. despite everything....you're always there. You always listen. And in that way you're much much stronger than anyone ill ever know. You stand true to who you are no matter what. You're a leader. And one day you're going to go somewhere with that and change a lot of people's lives the way you changed mine. You're the apple at the top of the tree...don't be sad if it takes him a long time to see you, because only the ones that drop or fall to the ground are seen first. But once someone gets to know you, it's hard to let you go. You have this quiet strength. This "I know who i am...don't try and change me". i guess you're stubborn. In the bestest way possible. And you're so...not stupid haha. I mean you get exactly what someone is trying to say, or exactly what they're thinking. The amount of times i haven't been able to put something into words and you just finish the sentence for me. My life would be so different without you. I'm so fricking glad you were there for me. So fricking glad you were a part of my life. You just radiate love and compassion. Seriously, you're the epitome of a true friend despite the fact that we've drifted apart.
<3
3) Crazy eh....elementary school where we first met. And now we're ending together in highschool. Words just cannot say how grateful i am that you have been there for me over the years. No words can say how funny it how things even played out. That we've still stuck together despite our moments of seperation. Just even looking back though, I remember playing dolls on your bunkbed, with the asian dolls your dad brought back, and pretending there were bad guys coming to hurt us. Little did we know that years later, there would be bad guys coming to hurt us, guys that would break our hearts and we'd need something to protect us other than a bunkbed. I always knew you'd be my friend no matter how big the fight was, or no matter how ridiculous we acted. I always figured it would we'd end together no matter how we actually felt about each other. And for a time i unfairly tried to distance myself from you. I guess that's what happens when I disagree with something. I run from it. And i thought that paths we were taking were different, and i just wanted to run away from you. But I guess i only saw a mask instead of being an actual friend and looking behind your mask. And one day i realized that i saw you wrong. That there was something hurting you. I'm sorry for betraying you, and not having your back during a time when you needed a friend the most. And i guess that's why you went to him. I guess that's why you're so close. But I wanted to say sorry for not seeing what i see now. I guess you can be friends with someone your whole life, but never really know them at all. You're stronger than most people i know. And you have this unbreakable visage to you that makes people listen to you. I may not get you all the time, but I'll always be there for you. I want you to know that you're one of my closest friends, and that's the way its gonna stay. I just wish that you could let your walls down for someone to come in. You guard yourself so closely, and sometimes i just wish that you let them down for even a few moments so that people could help you. You don't always have to fight everything on your own. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. <3
4) I'm not hurt because you take everything i love away from me just to exercise your power. I don't hate you because of your rules. I don't hate you even because of how irrational you are. I'm hurt because we don't love each other anymore. I'm hurt because of how you look at my sister and seem so proud, so close, so happy. You rush to drive with her, and you always have long talks with her. You give her books you read and tell her that they'd be good for her. You always talk to her during dinner and ask her about everything as if you're so incredibly proud. And you never look at me that way. You never tell me that i did a good job at something...and when you do compliment me its always "potential", as if you're dissapointed that i'm NOT that even if i could be. Just put down your pride...please. Just be the person i used to look up to. Be the person i used to strive to impress. Make me wanna stay home, make me wanna love the God you follow again...please don't drive me away. I just want you to be truly sorry...for once in your life. Because everytime you hug me, you say things will get better. But you say it as if "melissa you're going to change, which will make things better." There's no sorry in your voice. There's a spot in my heart that's empty, and every day i look at you hoping that you'll be the same person that used to fill it...What happened to you? "if you want love, you're gonna have to love somebody, if you want respect, youre gonna have to respect somebody"
5) You're my mirror. Seriously. I see so much of me in you. We're so alike it's ridic. Everytime i say something to you, or you say something to me its like WOAH did that come from my mouth or yours? I know we're not super close, and i know i make empty promises to hangout, but I really do want to see you soon. Your life is a tv show. I wish i had magic words to say everything is going to work out, and its so much easier since i'm not emotionally connected to everything the way you are. I can just say "do this!", but its so much easier for me to say it, than for you to do it. And i shouldn't be telling you what to do anyways since we are in the same crap situation. We are living the same life, going through the same motions...but all i can say is that don't ever feel embarrassed to tell me something. chances are i'm thinking it too. I love you. stay strong. And know I'm always here for you <3
6) I just met you. And in all honesty, i thought you'd be that kind of friend that i saw once in a while, and talked to occasionally, and then as life moved on, so would we. But for some reason we stuck. You are such a fun person to be around, and seriously you make me laugh. But i wish i could help you more...what you're going through is something you don't deserve. You're so strong though, and i wish that you could see everything that you have going for yourself. You don't deserve to be called a "psycho"...really. you don't one bit. Any guy stupid enough to let go of you doesn't really see who you are. Hold your head up girl. And DON'T stop fighting for yourself, because while you don't have anyone to fight for you right now, one day the right guy is gonna come along and fight for you. And know that I'm always here for you too. =)
7) I'm glad that we're talking again. I mean when i met you a year ago you were so easy to talk to. And you made me laugh too. I have to admit, i was interested in you...but it faded over those months where i never saw you or talked to you. But now that we're talking again, its good to have you back as a friend. And I'm glad that's what it is too.
8) You made such a mark on my life. And its weird to think of how quickly i walked away from you. We spent so much time together, and you opened my eyes to so much. You not only heard my rants, you also put me in my place, and told me what to do. When to snap out of it, and when to stand strong. I let people out of my life so easily, and i hope that you don't feel singled out...i really didn't want you to leave, but theres a part of me that just lets people come and go, as if thats life...but you made me realize i don't want that part of me to be like that anymore. Thank you, and I do want you in my life still. i promise.
9) When i said "no" to going out with you...i didn't mean i didn't want to be your friend either. But you stopped talking to me. Or maybe its just that you got tired of trying. But even when i tried to be friendly to you after you were cold. I guess that's just the way it works in life. I hope you find a girl who makes you happier than you've ever been and one who's good for you too.
10) I don't know where you are right now, or how you've been. I just know that you were someone i respected during those 2 months of my life. You were so easy to talk to, and such a strength for me. Nothing seemed to phase you even though you wore stress all over your face. I know you've been through so much...but you were so open to everything i stood for too, even offering to pray at a meal one day, and posting a note i gave you on facebook. Wherever you are...I hope that you'll find yourself one day and be happy.
11) You're crazy...in the best way possible. I mean it. You have this personality that just lights up a room. You never ever ever make anyone feel judged or unwanted, and you are so beautiful inside and out that everybody around you feels as if they've known you their whole life. I'm so glad i got to know you better this year. I'm sorry for everything you hid at home, but I'm so glad that things are changing. Thanks for always putting a smile on my face, IB wouldn't have been the same without you.
12) Happy birthday. I know we haven't talked in a long long long time...it's my fault. i just can't be your friend right now. Not because of anything you've done...not at all. But because of who I have become. I've changed...a lot. I guess I can only really blame myself no matter how many times i think of how much other people have affected me. It was ultimately my choice to change instead of staying true to myself. But that's how i fought for myself....by changing. And by changing i let you go. I let you go because of the fact that he was friends with you, or at least said he was. i know you want us to work things out, but I can't...not right now. Give me time, please I promise I'll come back, but right now I just need to leave you alone. I still love you, but I want to be a good friend, and right now I'm not even close to close. I'm sorry. Keep waiting.
we make our own futures
i think if you really want something bad enough, youd do something about it
i made you promises a thousand times
the day a child realizes that all adults in imperfect, he becomes an adolescent, the day he forgives them, he becomes and adult. the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.
apologetics
i have straight up been a bad friend lately. Not to everyone...but to a lot of people i care about, I have let walk out of my life, i have almost "pushed" out with my negligence and laziness. A simple "hey whatsup" text coulda solved it, or even putting aside an hour of homework to go out to coffee would have shown someone i DO care...because I DO!
What has it come to then? i think about the people so much, but its almost like i feel when i think i should talk to them, ...its as if i don't have the energy. Not because its a burden or a chore or any of that. NOT AT ALL! i dont even KNOW what it is, its something i need to work on for sure...i just feel so tired all the time.
but its the people that mean something to me...the ones who have made huge impacts in my life. Have i changed then? I agree that my friendship circles have changed again...I'm sorry. I didn't want them to change, i DON'T regret the closeness with the people I've become close with again, but I've walked out on a lot of people. I want to be there for them like they were there for me. i want them to be able to count on me!
..I'm sorry. I truly truly am.
they're not my type, but...
being strong is not holding on. Sometimes being strong is watching the one you love in the arms of another person. Realizing that you may be a shooting star in their life that was bright while it flew, but eventually faded. Maybe their constant is another person who you stood in front of...then not only are they losing out, but you are as well. The one who truly loves us could be that person you say goodbye to with a passing wave, or a complete stranger all together. And maybe even when that person comes along, you're so "ready" to see that you forget to look, and you glance by the open door only because you're waiting for the closed one to open. You brush over the surface of hundreds of peoples lives, but choose only a handful to spend your time on. But what happens if your future was under the surface of one of those hundreds you never really knew. What if the smile you looked for was never seen in the handful you grasped. Everyone's had the "they're not my type, but..." people walk through their lives. What if you hadn't dug deeper with that person. You would have never felt what you felt, or loved what you loved. And those are usually the ones that we chase forever. it's the ones that break the pattern, the ones that catch us off guard, that are the ones we accidently let in. Which is why our heart jumps a little when they look at us, because its still suprised, we never get what we expect.
-mrgibs
driving in winter wonderland
-driving in the car-
mel: what?! i'm sorry but i NEVERRRR said that. don't put words in my mouth
dad: melissa...you said it. you said "dad, they're not a good influence on me, don't let me hang out with them"
melissa : (what the hell...does he dream this stuff up? like wtf...where is this even coming from?) i never said that.
dad: *laughs a little*
melissa: it looks like we are at an impasse here
dad: all i know is that you said that. And now i'm worried about you hanging out with them again
melissa: look...i never said that, i have no idea where you even got that. And it doesn't even matter what you think either because I know what i said...and you can believe what you believe, but it doesn't affect me in any way because i know i didn't say that. (its just another way of him trying to put some kind of control over me)
dad: *pretending to quote me* "dear mom and dad, i know we dont always see eye to eye, but most of the time i know you're right and just don't want to admit it, and i know that you're only doing it to protect me. I'm stubborn but I know that you guys know what's best for me and sooner or later I come to realize it too. So please don't stop. ".......this is where you insert your reply
melissa: (WOWWW wtf)...looks like you did it for me, didn't you now.
its so frustrating when my dad believes something that is completely made up...and won't give it up. And trying to convince him otherwise is 100% pointless.
what is love!? baby don't hurt me. don't hurt me.
love is saying sorry when you know its not your fault
only because you'd rather that than lose them
love is saying you're happy for them when it kills you
only because you'd rather that than lose them
love is forgiving someone for something that broke you
only because you'd rather that than lose them
love is telling him how you really feel...
only because you'd rather that than lose him
procrastination 101
What are your plans for the weekend?
sleep, homework, exercise!
What do you currently hear?
coldplay
Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
nope. and how could it "mostly be something" not like many ppl just take a few strands and die that.
Where was the first time you ever saw the person you like at the moment?
in gym class.
Who did you last tell a secret to?
i think cassy? i dunno really.
What was the last thing you got pierced?
my ear on my 8th birthday
Have you ever disliked someone by association?
hahaha oh yeah. but i try not to let it show.
What does your hair look like right now?
Do you get distracted easily?
lets just say i started this an hour ago
Tears are falling from your eyes, what's the reason?
the past getting poked at again or the realization of unwanted tomorrow.
Who sits in front of you in math class?
tiffany and kimmie yo.
When's the last time you laughed really hard?
i always laugh a lot.
Last reason for going on youtube?
music hunting
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
math class haha.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
cassy enns
What do you want?
my homework to magically finish itself
Would you ever get a tattoo?
something small, and only if it meant forever to me.
Did you enjoy your weekend?
its not over
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with J or C?
lol. no
What was the first thing you did this morning?
looked at the clock and went "oh my word...14 hours of sleep"
What are you wearing? Are you decent?
oversized sweater and black pants
Where did you get the last pair of flipflops you wore?
american eagleeee
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sleep, homework, exercise!
What do you currently hear?
coldplay
Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
nope. and how could it "mostly be something" not like many ppl just take a few strands and die that.
Where was the first time you ever saw the person you like at the moment?
in gym class.
Who did you last tell a secret to?
i think cassy? i dunno really.
What was the last thing you got pierced?
my ear on my 8th birthday
Have you ever disliked someone by association?
hahaha oh yeah. but i try not to let it show.
What does your hair look like right now?
post-shower wave. not pretty.
Has anyone ever broken your heart?
i wouldnt say broke...
Is there anyone you trust 100%?
honestly...no
Will your next kiss be a mistake?
next kiss? how about first kiss :P
Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
dad's soccer sweater =)
Will this weekend be a good one?
nah. same old homework, being lazy and ultimate procrastination
Is the last person you hugged older than you?
yeah.
What would your name be with just the first three letters?
Mel. orrr mel rox. =)
Are you someone who worries too often?
not really. but on things i care about its ulitmate worry.
Would you ever donate blood?
yeah, why not
What are you doing right now?
sitting in my bedroom, laptopingggg
Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
yeah i really do. but only for a bit, cause if its someone im not friends with i'll let it go. otherwise ill try to work it out
What was the last thing you cried about?
Has anyone ever broken your heart?
i wouldnt say broke...
Is there anyone you trust 100%?
honestly...no
Will your next kiss be a mistake?
next kiss? how about first kiss :P
Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
dad's soccer sweater =)
Will this weekend be a good one?
nah. same old homework, being lazy and ultimate procrastination
Is the last person you hugged older than you?
yeah.
What would your name be with just the first three letters?
Mel. orrr mel rox. =)
Are you someone who worries too often?
not really. but on things i care about its ulitmate worry.
Would you ever donate blood?
yeah, why not
What are you doing right now?
sitting in my bedroom, laptopingggg
Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
yeah i really do. but only for a bit, cause if its someone im not friends with i'll let it go. otherwise ill try to work it out
What was the last thing you cried about?
friends. in a good way though.
Do you prefer sweet or sour candy?
sweet! ew sour is disgusting
Do you want to see somebody right now?
yeah...unfortunately
Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
...yeah
Do you listen to songs when you're down?
yeah. and write. and sleep.
Have you ever hugged someone named Joe?
joey? hahaha..no..jo.
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
forever or two seconds. depends on what happened that day.
Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
yeah course
Is there someone you will never forget?
excluding the obvious? family and stuff...yeah. of course
Do you like somebody right now?
too much.
Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
know so.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
cassy and natalie during "my sister's keeper" haha.
Has someone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
haha nope.i probably woulda shut them down if they did...little earlyyy
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
too long ago. i used to write so many
Are you a morning person or a night person?
it flips back and forth. im good at getting up early though
Do you prefer sweet or sour candy?
sweet! ew sour is disgusting
Do you want to see somebody right now?
yeah...unfortunately
Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
...yeah
Do you listen to songs when you're down?
yeah. and write. and sleep.
Have you ever hugged someone named Joe?
joey? hahaha..no..jo.
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
forever or two seconds. depends on what happened that day.
Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
yeah course
Is there someone you will never forget?
excluding the obvious? family and stuff...yeah. of course
Do you like somebody right now?
too much.
Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
know so.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
cassy and natalie during "my sister's keeper" haha.
Has someone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
haha nope.i probably woulda shut them down if they did...little earlyyy
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
too long ago. i used to write so many
Are you a morning person or a night person?
it flips back and forth. im good at getting up early though
except i prefer staying up late....im getting better at staying up late too
Do you get distracted easily?
lets just say i started this an hour ago
Tears are falling from your eyes, what's the reason?
the past getting poked at again or the realization of unwanted tomorrow.
Who sits in front of you in math class?
tiffany and kimmie yo.
When's the last time you laughed really hard?
i always laugh a lot.
Last reason for going on youtube?
music hunting
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
math class haha.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
cassy enns
What do you want?
my homework to magically finish itself
Would you ever get a tattoo?
something small, and only if it meant forever to me.
Did you enjoy your weekend?
its not over
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with J or C?
lol. no
What was the first thing you did this morning?
looked at the clock and went "oh my word...14 hours of sleep"
What are you wearing? Are you decent?
oversized sweater and black pants
Where did you get the last pair of flipflops you wore?
american eagleeee
ghost of christmas past
i slept for a good 13 hours, could almost count it 14, but wow thats a very long sleep. i guess thats what i get when my longest sleep during the week could pass for a nap when it verges on 4 hours a night. i try to blame it on IB but IB is not the problem, my superb skill in procrastination is. Which is why i am failing so miserably. I guess i just wanted an excuse to blog because i hadn't in a WHOLE DAY!
A week ago i got a reminder from the past. it pulled me back there so fast that i totally forgot about everything i cared about in the present. Which was a good thing! Because it was the bad things in my present i forgot about. Some maybe not bad perse, but things i'd wanted to move on from. And where "going back" isn't moving on...it still gave me the chance to forgot for a bit. Last year was one of the best and worst times of my life. I was pulled back to one of the best. The feelings became so real again, i wasn't connected to them again, but i remembered what they felt like, and it made me laugh a little to think of the person i used to be. It was like my ghost of christmas past. The reminder has faded a bit though, and i don't know if i'll get the chance to go there again. But i just wanted to say that although i did go back for a while, everything in my present haunts me again. But its not scary anymore...its reassuring.
sunday nights. glistening lights.
today i discovered my older sister has a blog....just like me
today i saw the sister i thought i would never see again
today i tasted the pain she cried through from the past again
today i broke for everything that broke us in the past
today the thing that tore us apart, glued us back together
hi kristie. i love you.
"i dont care anymore, i dont"
sometimes parents teach you not only how to stand
but to stand up
sometimes they teach you not only how to walk
but to walk away
sometimes they teach you not only how to talk
but how to talk back
so the second you showed me how to fight
was the second i learned to be allright
to live through fear
to live through hate
to make the food upon my plate
to take it all as it came
to know that it was all a game
of win or lose
of pick or choose
of count each time you make a bruise
so you can hate, and you can blame
but know that i can play the game
it doesnt matter you taught me how
cause sometimes kings are forced to bow.
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but to stand up
sometimes they teach you not only how to walk
but to walk away
sometimes they teach you not only how to talk
but how to talk back
so the second you showed me how to fight
was the second i learned to be allright
to live through fear
to live through hate
to make the food upon my plate
to take it all as it came
to know that it was all a game
of win or lose
of pick or choose
of count each time you make a bruise
so you can hate, and you can blame
but know that i can play the game
it doesnt matter you taught me how
cause sometimes kings are forced to bow.
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