melrox.online: July 2010

and then one day....

try having your three best friends move away. try being broke with a phone that doesn't work. try not having your N and being worried about your own future. I'm sorry for the pessimism but realism was too apathetic.

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Teairra Mari - Head to my heart

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ignorance is bliss

"i don't believe in soulmates. i really don't. I mean people can pretend that there's that special someone, and that destiny lands them in the right place at the right time to meet this right person, or maybe destiny was a bitch and they wound up apart forever...but i still don't believe in soulmates. And as much as I'd like to try, i don't believe that everything happens for a reason either. Don't get me wrong, I love coincidences as much as the next person and i believe in a bigger picture...but when it comes down to it i think that soulmates are something people made up to relieve the heartache or losing the "wrong" person or fuel the hope of finding the right one. People stopped fighting fate and wrestling with reality. They let events blindly lead them instead of working for themselves. Because the truth is where someone may be right for you, doesn't mean they're the only person for you. And that brings me to believe in luck, luck that you'll come across the handful of people that are right for you"
-Mr. Gibs

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road regret

i regret not trying harder in IB. i'm reaping the consequences now....
It's just weird to think that the small choices we made to study, or not to study one extra hour, one extra chapter, etc....led us to staying at a local university where we would stay in familiarity of people and place, versus a university far off where you basically have to start all over again. I just feel numb...upset...mostly at myself for not trying harder. At myself for not pushing harder, for not giving up my social life when i should have, for not giving up IB if i should have, for joining IB in the first place. It's just weird watching your dreams get flushed down the toilet and not being able to change that. It's weird knowing that you could have done better. And weird doesn't come close to describing the blank thoughts that fill the spots your hopes and plans filled when the sky was the limit.

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rainbow.

WTF LOCAL COLOR....give me more jobs. why is everyone else getting booked :(
yes i understand my picture was when i was tired...but really??

ugh. and please don't call me an hour before a job asking me if i want it. the answer would be no i'm asleep that early.

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i have pictures.

once upon the past...we shared dreams, we shared secrets, we shared lives. We watched the time tick by, slowly wishing it back. Every time memories swarmed, we'd run to the tokens that kept us together; every moment of deja vu, we'd reminisce the days we'd lived. And then the fairytale ended and life began to show us that the simplicity of the past becomes more and more simplistic as years go by, and the future becomes more and more uncertain. But that's no reason to walk backwards, because it will only leave you sightless to what's in store. Turn around and live dangerously ever after.

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you took the good out of good morning.

"i'm sorry" won't even begin to mend what time could not.

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1:30 am.

i'm gonna wish on the moon tonight
see there's a lot of stars in the sky
some even shooting
some bigger than the sun
but other nights
there are none
but tonight i'm going to wish on the moon
cause those other stars might fade
or get lost in the layout of the universe
but the moon, that's constant
so tonight, i'm gonna wish on the moon

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eyes tell stories

but do they know how
to craft fiction?
do they know how to spin

lies?

His eyes swear forever,
flatter with vows of only
me. But are they empty

promises?

I stare into his eyes, as
into a crystal ball, but
I cannot find forever,

only

movies of yesterday
a sketchbook of today,
dreams of a shared

tomorrow

His eyes whisper secrets.
But are they truths or fairy tales?
I wonder if even he

knows.

- a poem by eden streit

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:)

out of everything.... this is what made my day

going for a run (..walk) past the fire hall i passed the group of handicapped adults that take their daily, weekly?, stroll around the area. As i headed down the hill, I noticed one of the elderly ladies was lagging behind. i watched as she watched me from across the street, unaware that her group was at this point quite far ahead. Her eyes weren't on the path in front of her and she walked off into the bushes nearly toppling over. At first i was a little worried that she would fall and hurt herself, but she regained her balance and stepped back onto the path, and with her oblivious smile started waving frantically at me. After waving back the woman hurried off to her group.

funny how the little things in life can make us smile more so than the big things.

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Erik Hassle - Standing Where You Left Me 2010 Mix

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meet my friend, time.

I've known him for as long as i can remember. I can't say that we've always gotten along, but for the most part he's given me everything that i need. Of course there's been those days where i definately don't see him enough and there's not enough of him to go around because so many people want him, but there's also those days i see him too much and get so sick of him. But he's healed a lot of wounds for me, he's made me forget a lot of things i couldn't have forgotten without him. He's helped me get over a lot of crap, helped me forgive, helped me see straight again. It seems though that sometimes he's not there when i want him the most, he just slips away no matter how hard i try and hang onto him. Like in the blink of an eye he was there, and now all i have left is the jacket he left behind, or the pictures he gave me. He's kind of a bitch that way. Especially when i have a lot of work and i need him, he just figures he has better places to be and runs off. I take him for granted for sure though. I never really appreciate when he's there, i just complain when he's not. To be honest, i ignore him a lot when he's there. But i know that he'll be there for me over the years. No matter how many are left. That's the thing, and I'm worried for him, because I'm afraid something will happen to him. I'm afraid he'll leave me unexpectedly. But when he leaves, wether its when he's old and grey or whether it's by accident..I'm dreading that day. The day i say, "i don't have time". The day we'll say our goodbyes.

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in my defense

i love you <3...but you don't know half of who i am just by hacking onto my accounts.
i know you've tried to sit down and hear my thoughts and figure me out. But you still don't know the other half of who i am. We are still different, we will always be different. I still love you, i respect your decisions, you have what i envy, but that doesn't mean i want it in the same way you do. please understand that.

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faces of unforgettable that slowly fade with time

today i saw joanne. so right off the bat there's something to blog about, cause that doesn't happen every day.....anymore :(

lol but coming home i walked through PA because it's safer than walking around through the streets. At least there was a security guard on his bike there....funny thing eh? while pranking the school on the last night there was no security guard, but now in the middle of summer there is. hm. anyways the fact that PA is safe gave me a little heart tug to begin with and as i walked past the door looking down the gr.9 hallway i was tempted to stop, but i figured the security guard would be maybe slightly suspicious if some random was looking into the school at 10 pm on a saturday night. But that was a familiar hallway to me, and as i walked on i walked past the library, the empty cafeteria..i walked down the all to familiar pathway that had led me to chapel so many time...it was too familiar. And it's weird to think that in just over a month i won't be going back through those doors, won't be going to the lunch spot, won't be attending another chapel. wow i suck at change.

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black nailpolish

i bet that it's a possible that 8 times out of 10, we miss up on the opportunity to get to know someone that we could have gotten along with really really really well, possibly liked, possibly become best friends with, possibly cared deeply for, despite being already acquainted with them, merely because we just never end up crossing the right path at the right time.

weird to think about.

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fyi

all those airplanes in the night sky.......ya they landed ages ago.

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my mattress says vogue

i look back on some of my earliest blogs, and along with the smile comes a little cringe. I mean, i sound like i was trying to be all deep and profound. It's just funny though, trying to remember the mindset i had back when i was writing them over a year ago.

Here's what's running through my mind at the moment though...
lately a friend of mine has been helping me out with prayer. It's so foreign coming back to all of it, and honestly a part of me doesn't want to. I'd definately be okay with not for just a little while longer, putting it off just for another while or so. But then at the same time, THAT scares me even more to an extent. Like i've said, and i'll say it again, i'm a black and white kind of person. And as much as i'd like to be grey right now, i know that it's only being "lukewarm" and i know God spits those kinds of people out of his mouth.
I guess i should just take some of my own advice eh, give God complete control. I'm just not ready to....but once again, i need to take my own advice with what i spoke on in chapel too. "strength comes from letting go. ugh. I guess where i'm at in a nutshell is that
- I've been getting so many nudges from God to go back to him
- I don't want to change so parts of my life
- I'm scared to not change, and deal with bigger consequences than i planned on

:S

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blurb

i've kind of just given blurbs of random things since grad. Haven't written written in a long time, and joanne's ramble motivated me to get to it.....

so i got my IB diploma...not exactly as high as i would have liked, but its too late to do anything about that now, but as everyone's preparing for school, getting enrolled, buying dorm things, bed covers, pillows, picture frames, finding out who's on their floor...and as i sat with joanne as she chose her classes, i got excited...even though i'm not going anywhere. I'm tempted to just apply for spring 2011 and differ if i'm still not ready to go back to school. But at least i know i'll be able to get into schools :P.

It's just weird seeing that this is where life is taking us all. People are spreading out, and it sucks. Talking to joanne, she said "i just keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this dream", and i agree. Like when is someone going to tell me that i still have to hand in my essay, or when am i going to go and sleep in the pod again, walk into the caf and see if anyone's in there, or grab a late slip cause i accidently slept in, tuck my shirt in frantically as i walk past a teacher... i mean i know change only sucks until you get used to it, but i guess then at the moment i just know i'm waiting for goodbyes still, like my sister...who's going to chicago for her undergrad. "i'll be back for the holidays" yeah okay...not the same. other people going off to other places too. I guess i just got so comfortable, it was fine the way it was. Life has a habit of changing things up when i least want them to change.

at the same time...im excited for a good summer. I don't know how it's going to be, but i know it's going to be good. :)

that wasn't half the blurb i intended to write, but i'm watching the bachelorette so im a little distracted :P

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no.regrets.

don't count on tomorrow
tomorrow might be too late
don't count on waiting
because sometimes other people don't
better safe than sorry is sometimes the best way to end up sorry

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sometimes we get lost along the way

"so many times we look forward, hoping to visualize the better, more put together, more in touch with ourself, version of who we see and want to be, this black concrete image....but i've come to realize that sometimes when you look back, you realize that that black concrete visualization can sometimes become a grey mess you now sit in. So you say you'll go back to the way you used to be and try again. But there is no going back, there only is going forward. The new black image affected by the old grey mess. And what makes you think that your perfect black image will stay there, put together, like a finish line you're working towards. Along the way you forget what your goal looked like to begin with. It is only ever useful if you're building your concrete black image in the present rather than the future..."
-mr gibs

i told myself that to become the better version of me, i'd take a step back from what i thought was fake christianity and so later on i'd be able to take two steps forward. But whenever you take a step back from something in order to take two steps forward, you'll never take those two steps in the same direction....in fact, your forward could have been your backwards, meaning you really just took three steps back.
I thought in order to become the "real" version of me, i'd live in reality rather than the bubble i found life had created for me. But now more than ever, i've realized that by trying to open my eyes more, i just closed them to the points of view i didn't want to deal with. I was so convinced that my trials of trying to figure out what i wanted as my morals and values were effectively turning me into someone real...i was wrong.

thank you kristie. we don't always agree, but the things that stuck in my mind are pushing points for me and i can't say i didn't agree with them. I agreed with a lot. Mind you its about how we go about them that makes us different.

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marks

our IB marks are up
unfortunately i don't have my login information because i LOST the sheet which had it on it, and mrs smith is away until august 30th.....so i'm screwed. but the whole idea of university now is scaring me. My marks could have been way way way better. I don't know what i did to myself, but i became lazy and disorganized. What if my marks aren't even good enough now. i KNOW it's my own fault, but there's so much I would have liked to do in life, and i know no door is ever really closed, but i'm going to have to suffer the consequences of my laziness in IB i feel. Guess i won't know til i find my login info :S

so scared