one day i'm going to send in a post secret
12 days of christmas
i hope to everyone who can read this that you can see which parts are for you. Because i do specifically have stuff to say to everyone i know. Well, everyone who has been a part of my life recently that is..
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Who i became is directly from these people...and I'm not ashamed of who they created me to be. They've been through it all. The bad...the worse....and the better. They've endured bitch fests and gossip vents. 2am phone calls and essay long letters. They've endured mood swings and embarrassing highs...thanks. For always sticking by. For always listening. For always being crazy enough to do something stupid with me...for staying in the bubble. Thanks for setting me up with people hahahaha, and for making things awkward in my times of need...thats a true friend. for realz. in my words, true friends are not nice...they're people who make moments that they'll know you'll look back on and go "dammmn that was a good time"
DAY #
2) Where do i even start...Whenever i think of talking to someone, you're still one of the first people that come to mind. I remember first realizing i had classes with you. I was worried that it would be a hard year because I didn't know you ATTTT all. i'm pretty sure i had never talked to you before grade 10. And people told me "you'll get to know her"..and well look at that. You're one of my best friends to this day. Thanks for being my creeper friend with me. Thanks for doodling in history class with me, thanks for those pages that now are folded in a drawer for me to take out every once in a while and laugh at. Pages and pages of notes written between the classes we didn't have together and lots of facebooking...lots and lots of it. Thank you. I have always told you that you saved me. I always have and i always will. The beginning of grade 11 was frankly...ridiculous. Without rehashing it, i think its fair to say that we both didn't have our heads screwed on straight at the time. Thank you for the apology you gave me back then when drama broke out though. Its stuck in my head to this very day. You make me cry. You see something in me that I really don't deserve. But at the same time, it strengthens me. It pushes me to be true to myself despite the negativity.
That's whats always been great about you. You're always there. Always. despite everything....you're always there. You always listen. And in that way you're much much stronger than anyone ill ever know. You stand true to who you are no matter what. You're a leader. And one day you're going to go somewhere with that and change a lot of people's lives the way you changed mine. You're the apple at the top of the tree...don't be sad if it takes him a long time to see you, because only the ones that drop or fall to the ground are seen first. But once someone gets to know you, it's hard to let you go. You have this quiet strength. This "I know who i am...don't try and change me". i guess you're stubborn. In the bestest way possible. And you're so...not stupid haha. I mean you get exactly what someone is trying to say, or exactly what they're thinking. The amount of times i haven't been able to put something into words and you just finish the sentence for me. My life would be so different without you. I'm so fricking glad you were there for me. So fricking glad you were a part of my life. You just radiate love and compassion. Seriously, you're the epitome of a true friend despite the fact that we've drifted apart.
<3
3) Crazy eh....elementary school where we first met. And now we're ending together in highschool. Words just cannot say how grateful i am that you have been there for me over the years. No words can say how funny it how things even played out. That we've still stuck together despite our moments of seperation. Just even looking back though, I remember playing dolls on your bunkbed, with the asian dolls your dad brought back, and pretending there were bad guys coming to hurt us. Little did we know that years later, there would be bad guys coming to hurt us, guys that would break our hearts and we'd need something to protect us other than a bunkbed. I always knew you'd be my friend no matter how big the fight was, or no matter how ridiculous we acted. I always figured it would we'd end together no matter how we actually felt about each other. And for a time i unfairly tried to distance myself from you. I guess that's what happens when I disagree with something. I run from it. And i thought that paths we were taking were different, and i just wanted to run away from you. But I guess i only saw a mask instead of being an actual friend and looking behind your mask. And one day i realized that i saw you wrong. That there was something hurting you. I'm sorry for betraying you, and not having your back during a time when you needed a friend the most. And i guess that's why you went to him. I guess that's why you're so close. But I wanted to say sorry for not seeing what i see now. I guess you can be friends with someone your whole life, but never really know them at all. You're stronger than most people i know. And you have this unbreakable visage to you that makes people listen to you. I may not get you all the time, but I'll always be there for you. I want you to know that you're one of my closest friends, and that's the way its gonna stay. I just wish that you could let your walls down for someone to come in. You guard yourself so closely, and sometimes i just wish that you let them down for even a few moments so that people could help you. You don't always have to fight everything on your own. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. <3
4) I'm not hurt because you take everything i love away from me just to exercise your power. I don't hate you because of your rules. I don't hate you even because of how irrational you are. I'm hurt because we don't love each other anymore. I'm hurt because of how you look at my sister and seem so proud, so close, so happy. You rush to drive with her, and you always have long talks with her. You give her books you read and tell her that they'd be good for her. You always talk to her during dinner and ask her about everything as if you're so incredibly proud. And you never look at me that way. You never tell me that i did a good job at something...and when you do compliment me its always "potential", as if you're dissapointed that i'm NOT that even if i could be. Just put down your pride...please. Just be the person i used to look up to. Be the person i used to strive to impress. Make me wanna stay home, make me wanna love the God you follow again...please don't drive me away. I just want you to be truly sorry...for once in your life. Because everytime you hug me, you say things will get better. But you say it as if "melissa you're going to change, which will make things better." There's no sorry in your voice. There's a spot in my heart that's empty, and every day i look at you hoping that you'll be the same person that used to fill it...What happened to you? "if you want love, you're gonna have to love somebody, if you want respect, youre gonna have to respect somebody"
5) You're my mirror. Seriously. I see so much of me in you. We're so alike it's ridic. Everytime i say something to you, or you say something to me its like WOAH did that come from my mouth or yours? I know we're not super close, and i know i make empty promises to hangout, but I really do want to see you soon. Your life is a tv show. I wish i had magic words to say everything is going to work out, and its so much easier since i'm not emotionally connected to everything the way you are. I can just say "do this!", but its so much easier for me to say it, than for you to do it. And i shouldn't be telling you what to do anyways since we are in the same crap situation. We are living the same life, going through the same motions...but all i can say is that don't ever feel embarrassed to tell me something. chances are i'm thinking it too. I love you. stay strong. And know I'm always here for you <3
6) I just met you. And in all honesty, i thought you'd be that kind of friend that i saw once in a while, and talked to occasionally, and then as life moved on, so would we. But for some reason we stuck. You are such a fun person to be around, and seriously you make me laugh. But i wish i could help you more...what you're going through is something you don't deserve. You're so strong though, and i wish that you could see everything that you have going for yourself. You don't deserve to be called a "psycho"...really. you don't one bit. Any guy stupid enough to let go of you doesn't really see who you are. Hold your head up girl. And DON'T stop fighting for yourself, because while you don't have anyone to fight for you right now, one day the right guy is gonna come along and fight for you. And know that I'm always here for you too. =)
7) I'm glad that we're talking again. I mean when i met you a year ago you were so easy to talk to. And you made me laugh too. I have to admit, i was interested in you...but it faded over those months where i never saw you or talked to you. But now that we're talking again, its good to have you back as a friend. And I'm glad that's what it is too.
8) You made such a mark on my life. And its weird to think of how quickly i walked away from you. We spent so much time together, and you opened my eyes to so much. You not only heard my rants, you also put me in my place, and told me what to do. When to snap out of it, and when to stand strong. I let people out of my life so easily, and i hope that you don't feel singled out...i really didn't want you to leave, but theres a part of me that just lets people come and go, as if thats life...but you made me realize i don't want that part of me to be like that anymore. Thank you, and I do want you in my life still. i promise.
9) When i said "no" to going out with you...i didn't mean i didn't want to be your friend either. But you stopped talking to me. Or maybe its just that you got tired of trying. But even when i tried to be friendly to you after you were cold. I guess that's just the way it works in life. I hope you find a girl who makes you happier than you've ever been and one who's good for you too.
10) I don't know where you are right now, or how you've been. I just know that you were someone i respected during those 2 months of my life. You were so easy to talk to, and such a strength for me. Nothing seemed to phase you even though you wore stress all over your face. I know you've been through so much...but you were so open to everything i stood for too, even offering to pray at a meal one day, and posting a note i gave you on facebook. Wherever you are...I hope that you'll find yourself one day and be happy.
11) You're crazy...in the best way possible. I mean it. You have this personality that just lights up a room. You never ever ever make anyone feel judged or unwanted, and you are so beautiful inside and out that everybody around you feels as if they've known you their whole life. I'm so glad i got to know you better this year. I'm sorry for everything you hid at home, but I'm so glad that things are changing. Thanks for always putting a smile on my face, IB wouldn't have been the same without you.
12) Happy birthday. I know we haven't talked in a long long long time...it's my fault. i just can't be your friend right now. Not because of anything you've done...not at all. But because of who I have become. I've changed...a lot. I guess I can only really blame myself no matter how many times i think of how much other people have affected me. It was ultimately my choice to change instead of staying true to myself. But that's how i fought for myself....by changing. And by changing i let you go. I let you go because of the fact that he was friends with you, or at least said he was. i know you want us to work things out, but I can't...not right now. Give me time, please I promise I'll come back, but right now I just need to leave you alone. I still love you, but I want to be a good friend, and right now I'm not even close to close. I'm sorry. Keep waiting.
we make our own futures
i think if you really want something bad enough, youd do something about it
i made you promises a thousand times
the day a child realizes that all adults in imperfect, he becomes an adolescent, the day he forgives them, he becomes and adult. the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.
apologetics
i have straight up been a bad friend lately. Not to everyone...but to a lot of people i care about, I have let walk out of my life, i have almost "pushed" out with my negligence and laziness. A simple "hey whatsup" text coulda solved it, or even putting aside an hour of homework to go out to coffee would have shown someone i DO care...because I DO!
What has it come to then? i think about the people so much, but its almost like i feel when i think i should talk to them, ...its as if i don't have the energy. Not because its a burden or a chore or any of that. NOT AT ALL! i dont even KNOW what it is, its something i need to work on for sure...i just feel so tired all the time.
but its the people that mean something to me...the ones who have made huge impacts in my life. Have i changed then? I agree that my friendship circles have changed again...I'm sorry. I didn't want them to change, i DON'T regret the closeness with the people I've become close with again, but I've walked out on a lot of people. I want to be there for them like they were there for me. i want them to be able to count on me!
..I'm sorry. I truly truly am.
they're not my type, but...
being strong is not holding on. Sometimes being strong is watching the one you love in the arms of another person. Realizing that you may be a shooting star in their life that was bright while it flew, but eventually faded. Maybe their constant is another person who you stood in front of...then not only are they losing out, but you are as well. The one who truly loves us could be that person you say goodbye to with a passing wave, or a complete stranger all together. And maybe even when that person comes along, you're so "ready" to see that you forget to look, and you glance by the open door only because you're waiting for the closed one to open. You brush over the surface of hundreds of peoples lives, but choose only a handful to spend your time on. But what happens if your future was under the surface of one of those hundreds you never really knew. What if the smile you looked for was never seen in the handful you grasped. Everyone's had the "they're not my type, but..." people walk through their lives. What if you hadn't dug deeper with that person. You would have never felt what you felt, or loved what you loved. And those are usually the ones that we chase forever. it's the ones that break the pattern, the ones that catch us off guard, that are the ones we accidently let in. Which is why our heart jumps a little when they look at us, because its still suprised, we never get what we expect.
-mrgibs
driving in winter wonderland
-driving in the car-
mel: what?! i'm sorry but i NEVERRRR said that. don't put words in my mouth
dad: melissa...you said it. you said "dad, they're not a good influence on me, don't let me hang out with them"
melissa : (what the hell...does he dream this stuff up? like wtf...where is this even coming from?) i never said that.
dad: *laughs a little*
melissa: it looks like we are at an impasse here
dad: all i know is that you said that. And now i'm worried about you hanging out with them again
melissa: look...i never said that, i have no idea where you even got that. And it doesn't even matter what you think either because I know what i said...and you can believe what you believe, but it doesn't affect me in any way because i know i didn't say that. (its just another way of him trying to put some kind of control over me)
dad: *pretending to quote me* "dear mom and dad, i know we dont always see eye to eye, but most of the time i know you're right and just don't want to admit it, and i know that you're only doing it to protect me. I'm stubborn but I know that you guys know what's best for me and sooner or later I come to realize it too. So please don't stop. ".......this is where you insert your reply
melissa: (WOWWW wtf)...looks like you did it for me, didn't you now.
its so frustrating when my dad believes something that is completely made up...and won't give it up. And trying to convince him otherwise is 100% pointless.
what is love!? baby don't hurt me. don't hurt me.
love is saying sorry when you know its not your fault
only because you'd rather that than lose them
love is saying you're happy for them when it kills you
only because you'd rather that than lose them
love is forgiving someone for something that broke you
only because you'd rather that than lose them
love is telling him how you really feel...
only because you'd rather that than lose him
procrastination 101
What are your plans for the weekend?
sleep, homework, exercise!
What do you currently hear?
coldplay
Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
nope. and how could it "mostly be something" not like many ppl just take a few strands and die that.
Where was the first time you ever saw the person you like at the moment?
in gym class.
Who did you last tell a secret to?
i think cassy? i dunno really.
What was the last thing you got pierced?
my ear on my 8th birthday
Have you ever disliked someone by association?
hahaha oh yeah. but i try not to let it show.
What does your hair look like right now?
Do you get distracted easily?
lets just say i started this an hour ago
Tears are falling from your eyes, what's the reason?
the past getting poked at again or the realization of unwanted tomorrow.
Who sits in front of you in math class?
tiffany and kimmie yo.
When's the last time you laughed really hard?
i always laugh a lot.
Last reason for going on youtube?
music hunting
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
math class haha.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
cassy enns
What do you want?
my homework to magically finish itself
Would you ever get a tattoo?
something small, and only if it meant forever to me.
Did you enjoy your weekend?
its not over
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with J or C?
lol. no
What was the first thing you did this morning?
looked at the clock and went "oh my word...14 hours of sleep"
What are you wearing? Are you decent?
oversized sweater and black pants
Where did you get the last pair of flipflops you wore?
american eagleeee
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sleep, homework, exercise!
What do you currently hear?
coldplay
Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?
nope. and how could it "mostly be something" not like many ppl just take a few strands and die that.
Where was the first time you ever saw the person you like at the moment?
in gym class.
Who did you last tell a secret to?
i think cassy? i dunno really.
What was the last thing you got pierced?
my ear on my 8th birthday
Have you ever disliked someone by association?
hahaha oh yeah. but i try not to let it show.
What does your hair look like right now?
post-shower wave. not pretty.
Has anyone ever broken your heart?
i wouldnt say broke...
Is there anyone you trust 100%?
honestly...no
Will your next kiss be a mistake?
next kiss? how about first kiss :P
Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
dad's soccer sweater =)
Will this weekend be a good one?
nah. same old homework, being lazy and ultimate procrastination
Is the last person you hugged older than you?
yeah.
What would your name be with just the first three letters?
Mel. orrr mel rox. =)
Are you someone who worries too often?
not really. but on things i care about its ulitmate worry.
Would you ever donate blood?
yeah, why not
What are you doing right now?
sitting in my bedroom, laptopingggg
Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
yeah i really do. but only for a bit, cause if its someone im not friends with i'll let it go. otherwise ill try to work it out
What was the last thing you cried about?
Has anyone ever broken your heart?
i wouldnt say broke...
Is there anyone you trust 100%?
honestly...no
Will your next kiss be a mistake?
next kiss? how about first kiss :P
Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
dad's soccer sweater =)
Will this weekend be a good one?
nah. same old homework, being lazy and ultimate procrastination
Is the last person you hugged older than you?
yeah.
What would your name be with just the first three letters?
Mel. orrr mel rox. =)
Are you someone who worries too often?
not really. but on things i care about its ulitmate worry.
Would you ever donate blood?
yeah, why not
What are you doing right now?
sitting in my bedroom, laptopingggg
Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
yeah i really do. but only for a bit, cause if its someone im not friends with i'll let it go. otherwise ill try to work it out
What was the last thing you cried about?
friends. in a good way though.
Do you prefer sweet or sour candy?
sweet! ew sour is disgusting
Do you want to see somebody right now?
yeah...unfortunately
Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
...yeah
Do you listen to songs when you're down?
yeah. and write. and sleep.
Have you ever hugged someone named Joe?
joey? hahaha..no..jo.
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
forever or two seconds. depends on what happened that day.
Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
yeah course
Is there someone you will never forget?
excluding the obvious? family and stuff...yeah. of course
Do you like somebody right now?
too much.
Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
know so.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
cassy and natalie during "my sister's keeper" haha.
Has someone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
haha nope.i probably woulda shut them down if they did...little earlyyy
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
too long ago. i used to write so many
Are you a morning person or a night person?
it flips back and forth. im good at getting up early though
Do you prefer sweet or sour candy?
sweet! ew sour is disgusting
Do you want to see somebody right now?
yeah...unfortunately
Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?
...yeah
Do you listen to songs when you're down?
yeah. and write. and sleep.
Have you ever hugged someone named Joe?
joey? hahaha..no..jo.
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
forever or two seconds. depends on what happened that day.
Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
yeah course
Is there someone you will never forget?
excluding the obvious? family and stuff...yeah. of course
Do you like somebody right now?
too much.
Do you think somebody likes the same person you do?
know so.
Who was the last person you cried in front of?
cassy and natalie during "my sister's keeper" haha.
Has someone ever told you they want to spend the rest of their life with you?
haha nope.i probably woulda shut them down if they did...little earlyyy
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
too long ago. i used to write so many
Are you a morning person or a night person?
it flips back and forth. im good at getting up early though
except i prefer staying up late....im getting better at staying up late too
Do you get distracted easily?
lets just say i started this an hour ago
Tears are falling from your eyes, what's the reason?
the past getting poked at again or the realization of unwanted tomorrow.
Who sits in front of you in math class?
tiffany and kimmie yo.
When's the last time you laughed really hard?
i always laugh a lot.
Last reason for going on youtube?
music hunting
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
math class haha.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
cassy enns
What do you want?
my homework to magically finish itself
Would you ever get a tattoo?
something small, and only if it meant forever to me.
Did you enjoy your weekend?
its not over
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with J or C?
lol. no
What was the first thing you did this morning?
looked at the clock and went "oh my word...14 hours of sleep"
What are you wearing? Are you decent?
oversized sweater and black pants
Where did you get the last pair of flipflops you wore?
american eagleeee
ghost of christmas past
i slept for a good 13 hours, could almost count it 14, but wow thats a very long sleep. i guess thats what i get when my longest sleep during the week could pass for a nap when it verges on 4 hours a night. i try to blame it on IB but IB is not the problem, my superb skill in procrastination is. Which is why i am failing so miserably. I guess i just wanted an excuse to blog because i hadn't in a WHOLE DAY!
A week ago i got a reminder from the past. it pulled me back there so fast that i totally forgot about everything i cared about in the present. Which was a good thing! Because it was the bad things in my present i forgot about. Some maybe not bad perse, but things i'd wanted to move on from. And where "going back" isn't moving on...it still gave me the chance to forgot for a bit. Last year was one of the best and worst times of my life. I was pulled back to one of the best. The feelings became so real again, i wasn't connected to them again, but i remembered what they felt like, and it made me laugh a little to think of the person i used to be. It was like my ghost of christmas past. The reminder has faded a bit though, and i don't know if i'll get the chance to go there again. But i just wanted to say that although i did go back for a while, everything in my present haunts me again. But its not scary anymore...its reassuring.
sunday nights. glistening lights.
today i discovered my older sister has a blog....just like me
today i saw the sister i thought i would never see again
today i tasted the pain she cried through from the past again
today i broke for everything that broke us in the past
today the thing that tore us apart, glued us back together
hi kristie. i love you.
"i dont care anymore, i dont"
sometimes parents teach you not only how to stand
but to stand up
sometimes they teach you not only how to walk
but to walk away
sometimes they teach you not only how to talk
but how to talk back
so the second you showed me how to fight
was the second i learned to be allright
to live through fear
to live through hate
to make the food upon my plate
to take it all as it came
to know that it was all a game
of win or lose
of pick or choose
of count each time you make a bruise
so you can hate, and you can blame
but know that i can play the game
it doesnt matter you taught me how
cause sometimes kings are forced to bow.
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but to stand up
sometimes they teach you not only how to walk
but to walk away
sometimes they teach you not only how to talk
but how to talk back
so the second you showed me how to fight
was the second i learned to be allright
to live through fear
to live through hate
to make the food upon my plate
to take it all as it came
to know that it was all a game
of win or lose
of pick or choose
of count each time you make a bruise
so you can hate, and you can blame
but know that i can play the game
it doesnt matter you taught me how
cause sometimes kings are forced to bow.
I'm probably just PMSing...just saying.
i understand that i was the one who ruined our family...i get it. When i refused to join the activities because of my illness, it disrupted the flow of life. I'm sorry for that. But now its better if i just disengage. I can't be a part of it. Things have changed too much. What happened to the family that used to be so strong. That used to be so unbreakable. I have to step away...its better this way. But i remember the good times. I remember being close to Kristie, best friends almost. I remember the nights she would come and sit on my bed and we'd talk for hours. I remember her asking me if I thoughts he was a nerd. I remember being close to Ashley, when she'd call me everyday just to make sure i wasn't lonely in North Van, or how she was the only one who would talk to me about the things i was going through. I remember being close to my dad. The strong person in my life who never failed me. Who came into my room whenever i was upset and just talked with me. The one who pushed me to a better person, but did it lovingly. I remember how he would take me out for coffee and how he came to my soccer games, how he always told me how proud he was of me. I remember being close to my mom...she turned into the one i could always talk to. The one i identified with when her and my dad fought. How she understood me better...
The past was yesterday though. What i wouldn't give to see that day again.
my teacher is talking on his cellphone.
I'm sitting here in history, i just saw my current grades, i just asked for my teacher for an extension on a test, my eyes keep closing, and more than my brain hurts. I'm overwhelmed and doing nothing about it to fix it. I keep procrastinating...when did i become such a terrible worker?! I used to wonder how people NEVER did homework. But now i'm one of them. I HAVE to get back on track. and the thing is, nobody else cares. It's all up to you how you do in highschool. I tried to convince myself that i chose friendships this year, that i was going to strengthen and fulfill things this year with relationships and with myself. But even though that should be a priority, it shouldn't mean i neglect homework. once again though, nobody cares except me. I just feel like I'm wasting time nowadays. or as mr weurch would put it "a waste of good oxygen". That might only make sense to us IBers.
I've just got to STOP caring about that one guy, and focus on the things that will actually get me somewhere as opposed to just ...waiting.
I'll get there. I'll regain my work ethic that i had back in grade 8 and 9.
hey, get off my man.
While Taylor Swift was in grade 12...taylor lautner was in grade 9. Hey cougar....stay away from my man. thanks. by the way, you look like you're eating him...
you're not worth nevermind....
Looks like I finally hear that song
That you were singing
Singing all along
You told me someone had your heart
(Heart heart heart heart)
But I'd rather have a piece of you
Than nothing at all
[Hook:]
Strings in my heart
And it sounds like thunder
Orchestra in the background
Pulling me under
Growing further apart
From the soundtrack of us
I knew that it would take me
[Chorus:]
I gotta face the music
Cause you're not worth never mind [? ]
And I wasted all this time?
To only face the music
I know I gotta do this
And it hurts more and more
murphy's law
A falling object will always land where it can do the most damage.
say for instance...a heart.
i classify my friends....
i had this as a not way back, came across it again, and figured i would re-hash the past
cause they're just so true.
1) Hanger-Oner
I had one of these in middle school. Remember the Hanger-Oner? That kid who just would not leave you alone. I mean, they were nice, and you liked them, but it’s called b-r-e-a-t-h-i-n-g r-o-o-m.
2) Frenemy
Maybe this is more of a girl thing than a guy thing, but there were definitely those people in High School who pretended to be your friend, and you pretended to like them, but in reality, you didn’t.
3) The You’re-Cooler-Than-Me Friend
I had (have) a few people who are friends with me and I seriously wonder why. In my mind, they are way cool, smart, funny, attractive and certainly way cooler than me. We are friends, and I am grateful, but you always hope you can live up to their expectations and coolness factor. (I am making this sound a little bit more pathetic for simply humor value).
4) Make-Me-Feel-Good-About-Myself-Friend
I was working with a teen girl client the other day about her friends and she said “well, then there is my pretty, but not prettier than me best friend.” I was like, whoa, “what?!” She went on to explain that in High School everyone has to have a friend they can do to when they need to feel better about themselves. I chose to take this as more of a pep-talking kind of friend than an-uglier-than-me-friend.
5) Wingman or Wingwoman
Typically a best friend, which you of course can still have later in life. I had a girlfriend in High School who I always went on doubles, blind dates and to dances with because we always got along well and most importantly, had totally different taste in men.
6) Homework Friend
This does not have to be someone smarter than you (or a cheater-friend), this is someone who teens all have to go to when they need to make a study guide, plan a study session or as a homework problem. I had one friend in High School and we talked at least once a night on the phone, but never about anything other than school, yet they were one of my closest friends.
7) Secret Bitch/ Secret Bully
I have written about Secret Bitches before. Secret bitches (female) or secret bullies are similar to frenemies in that they are nice to you in person, but are different because they don’t want to be your friend, they just want to know you enough to make fun of you behind your back.
8) PE/Math/Science Friend
This is the friend that you have in that one class or club and you hang out pretty much exclusively when you are in that environment, but nowhere else.
9) Family Friend
This friend is who your parents want you to be best friends with/marry because the parents are best friends or you are neighbors and it would just make it easier to carpool.
10) Used-to-be-elementary-school-friend-but-don’t-really-have-anything-in-common-anymore
Oh, these are awkward. You used to climb trees together, you had a Ya-Ya Sisterhood handshake and have really cute pictures of the two of you in a bathtub together, but it just isn’t the same anymore. They are a jock and you are a bandgeek, but you still say ‘hi’ in the halls and invite each other to your birthday parties. Mom and dad will forever be asking you, “how is your old friend ___, you used to be so close!”
that's the best you've got?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8fSjtPLuBQ&feature=fvw
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Weird. you know that feeling that you're not alone? that there's something watching you, or with you...? Well i woke up around 5, and felt this. I kept hearing things, feeling uneasy, and then my hairdryer stopped working suddenly, only to turn on a few moments later again. It wasn't the outlet, because other things worked when i put it in. coincidence? okay sure. but i turned on the song above, and i immediately felt peace. I almost wanted to laugh at satan for trying to scare me because i wasn't anymore. i felt safe.
thanks God.
what do i know....
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
down for the count
they never said getting back up was easy. no one ever said that.
they never even said you had to.
no one necessarily even offered you their hand to pull you up. each time you fell, the ground seemed a little harder than before, the pain a little longer. Each time you looked up from down there, the world seemed a little higher than before, a little out of your reach. But you kept getting back up hoping that you'd walk a little further finding the one who wouldn't make you hurt.
live like we're dying
-kris allen
Sometimes we fall down and can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s to late, it’s not too late
We only got
86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying
And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There’ll no one on the line
11:11's just a time til you wish it away
wow. i feel like everything is changing...yet again. i feel pulls and pushes from directions i never thought would pull/push. i feel distance and closeness. I feel pain and relief. I feel loss and gain. I feel frustration and relief. i feel like i knew this would happen. it was just a matter of when. but i dreaded it. i don't know what to say other than time only allows you a certain amount before it goes "aight girl...move along now". i dont think the world is upsidedown i just feel like it teetered slightly left. no ones gone. everybody is still happy. i just wonder where i landed when the world decided to shift. i still hold my heart close to my body. but i keep saying "its yours, its yours". i still hold my hand out on both sides. but sometimes only five fingers get filled. i won't walk away, but i hope you know that i wish you were here...and not having you there means maybe you walked away. i'm rambling like i never have. but i just want my world straight up. i want the equater at the core, but for now Antarctica is still the bottom.
not as dumb as he looks folks...
this is a story of a young dog.
post secret
i'm not one to settle. I won't go through the open door just because it's open. and if i can't open the door that's closed....then i walk away completely.
long time no see...
today was the first time in a lonnngggggg time, that i've missed God. Sure I've tried to make myself feel the need to be close to him. But today made me realize how distant i got from him. The moment is gone, but that doesnt' mean i'm not going to act on it again. This may sound silly but it was because i found my itouch. I have been praying to find it ever since i lost it. Pretty much begging him to show me where to find it...and i did. It was almost his way of saying , "see melissa? i'm still here. I still hear you..."
the itouch was one of two things ive been begging God for. And despite the fact that the other thing was more intense than losing an itouch...it's God's way of showing me that although I don't get everything I want, that he'll carry me through the things I can't handle.
dug up the past
LIGHTS, ACTION. camera!
i made two mistakes recently
one...saying hi
two...now not being able to say goodbye
i hate it how love ISN'T like the movies. we girls watch them and THAT'S why we fall so easily. because we believe that no matter what we do, we will end up with him sooner or later. We just have to wait for the antagonist to get out of the way, to learn their lesson. We believe that all of the crap we are going through now, is just to drive the plot. But at the end of the day it'll be okay. Real life is not a chick flick. Real life doesn't have the quick one liners to throw at people when you want to hit them where it hurts. It leaves out the scenes where he notices you and time slows. It leaves out the scene when he comes to you at just the right moment knowing just what to say. Guess what. there is no climax, there is no resolution. life is not a movie. We fall and we'll get hurt, and sometimes that all it is.
I think i'm one of those girls that learns slowly. sometimes I keep waiting for an IM to come up on the screen, or that little bit of hope to become something. But when the credits start rolling i realize i wasn't the main character. In fact, sometime we are the antagonist. Sometimes we are the ones in the way of people that were meant to be. we were just one of those background characters that really makes not different to the story.
i hate it how love ISN'T like the movies. we girls watch them and THAT'S why we fall so easily. because we believe that no matter what we do, we will end up with him sooner or later. We just have to wait for the antagonist to get out of the way, to learn their lesson. We believe that all of the crap we are going through now, is just to drive the plot. But at the end of the day it'll be okay. Real life is not a chick flick. Real life doesn't have the quick one liners to throw at people when you want to hit them where it hurts. It leaves out the scenes where he notices you and time slows. It leaves out the scene when he comes to you at just the right moment knowing just what to say. Guess what. there is no climax, there is no resolution. life is not a movie. We fall and we'll get hurt, and sometimes that all it is.
I think i'm one of those girls that learns slowly. sometimes I keep waiting for an IM to come up on the screen, or that little bit of hope to become something. But when the credits start rolling i realize i wasn't the main character. In fact, sometime we are the antagonist. Sometimes we are the ones in the way of people that were meant to be. we were just one of those background characters that really makes not different to the story.
it also makes you realize, in movies, how many of the side characters are secretly in love with the leading actor...
-unknown
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had...
i'm going to practice letting go...
friendship is like shoes. when you're growing up you constantly have to keep changing your shoes. The shoes you learn to walk in you eventually outgrow. The shoes you first run in, you eventually outgrow. The first pair of shoes with the flashing heels, you eventually outgrow. The heels break, the laces rip, the toe opens. You keep getting new shoes. When your feet stop growing, you have so many different kinds of shoes. You have the cute heels, the sophisticated kind you go out with, and then you have your neon heels, the party animal "lets go have fun" heels. You have your school shoes, your work shoes, and even your slippers. Sometimes people borrow your shoes, and bring them back destroyed. Boys steal them and throw them in the air, making you chase them around for your shoes back. And sometimes it takes a while. Best friends are those flats that you've had for ages. They're slightly worn, but still hold strong. You've jumped in puddles with them and they've gotten drenched, but still hold strong. You've ran down sidewalks with them at 2am, but they still hold strong. You shove them in your closet...they still hold strong for when you want to wear them again. But every girl needs to learn to walk barefoot. Feel the stones beneath her feet, walk on.
it's who the song reminds you of
plain and simple.
when the music starts to play
it's the face that comes to mind
ride away.
i told myself i would never like you again...not like that. I told myself i was done waiting and that i didn't wanna be a second choice. I told myself a lie...
rebel without a cause
you know when you know you want to say something, but when you open your mouth....you're not sure what to say. You're not sure what's trying to escape, you're not sure what it is exactly that's even on your mind. But you feel this urgency to get something off your chest? I think we as humans have filters. The things that are socially acceptable come out, while the things not so acceptable, or embarrassing, or maybe just uncertain go through our filter. And i think that its those things that we filter out that sometimes nudge us. Except we've forgotten about them because they've been tucked away in a hidden place for so long that we've forgotten all about them. They're still there though...The urgent feeling that i need to say something i think is those thoughts trying to get out.
In acting we were always told to get rid of the filters and just let ideas come out as they were. Because if we filtered our ideas then we would eventually get stuck by going "no that's stupid...that too...that one's stupid too" and never say anything at all, or end up with a lame scene. I think that applies to life too. We spend so much time concealing what we really want to say and making sure everything comes out great, that we actually lose the scene. We lose the ability to be real and the ability to make people want to watch what we're doing.
And sometimes we lose the ability to really tell people how we feel. We filter it out because we're afraid that it will make us look stupid, when in reality, it could have given us a standing ovation.
my nike.
these are the times for taking risks. don't let the moment go.
I know everyone is probably done with the mellow dramatic emotions of "this is the end..gr. 12" and feeling sentimental and deep. Everyone is probably just ready to party and have fun. to hell with being mad about stuff and just smile. But I don't think that makes a difference to what's actually going on. You'll still go through stuff, you still get sad, you still make decisions....just because you're saying screw problems, doesnt make them go away.
But i think this year is about taking chances. I can't even begin to tell you how much i've been thinking about it. It's been on my mind with a whole bunch of things. I honestly think its time to cut it all, let it go, and make a move. Take a risk. Step up. Speak out. because before you know it the moment will be gone and you'll be left with only a mystery of what it could have been. I know that this is unbelievably cliche but im just sitting here wondering how much more i could have done in my life if i had just DONE IT. if i had just screwed the insecurities and told myself that i could do it, it would be okay, and that no one would be there to judge me. Your biggest critic is YOU. so if you're really all that worried about what people are thinking it only means that doubt yourself and your abilities..not that other people do.
Out time is running out grads. I wanna leave a mark on the school ive been at my whole life. If i don't leave a mark then what have i left? a picture in the hallway amongst my classmates...amongst every. other. grad that has ever graduated from PA? i think the grads of 2010 got gyped a lot. but isnt that the recipe for success?...struggle? i know our grade has been through so much struggle. We got the short end of the stick for so many years, and then we also lost 1/3 of our grade because of cattiness and expulsions. Our grade just needs the chance to see how incredibly crucial it is to make the most of what we have. The time we have left, the people we have left, the memories left to be made. 8 months from now all we'll have are pictures and memories that make us smile, laugh, cry and even fume. But it's "those little things that we never noticed that we end up missing the most" (from joanne's incredibly great post secret book).
Last chance...step up. JUST DO IT.
<3 i promise to protect you
i promise to protect you
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no matter what the pain
i promise to protect you
until you love again
i promise to protect you
like i was protecting my own heart
i promise to protect you
though your world may break apart
i promise that i'll listen
when words are not enough
i promise that i'll rest with you
when fighting becomes tough
i promise that i'll hold you
when tears fall from your eyes
i promise i'll protect you
from all the screwed up lies
i promise i'll protect you
when the rain floods down so hard
i promise i'll protect you
your heart i swear to guard
hey ashley. i love you. don't ever forget that
quotes quotes quotes
"the truth is, everyone you meet will hurt you at one point or another. you just need to decide who is worth the pain.."
"it's just something that happens as you grow up. you realize its less important to have more friends. and its more important to have real ones."
"i don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me. Love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person. Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of. Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you."
-theOC
know, I used to spend every day thinking about you and dreaming about you. And every time you walked by I lost myself. Do you know what that feels like? You couldn’t possibly know what it feels like to have that person not have the same feelings back. Look, I’m sorry if you miss the way I looked at you, but I don’t miss the way you never looked at me
sometimes it’s easier to say that you don’t care… than to explain all the reasons why you do.
- sex and the city
everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.
No one ever said that life would be fair, or that the moments you wanted to last forever would. As you start to realize, people who once said that they cared can stop in an instant and those people who once made you the happiest, are now the ones who make you cry. You realize that no matter how much you care about someone, it doesn’t mean they will care about you. Letting go of something isn’t hard, it’s what you leave behind that’s the hard part. You realize that kisses don’t always mean something and promises can be broken, just as quickly as they are made.
-dawson creek
the worst lonliness is for you to not be comfortable with yourself
-mark twain
once in a while, people step up. They rise above themselves. Sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes - it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you can find hope in the words of children, the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you’re lucky, and I mean if you’re the luckiest person on the entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.
realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure your still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That’s life. The confusion and fear? That’s there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.
| One Tree Hill |
"Boys are like purses. You're always gonna have that one boy that you're always comfortable with and you know you'll always kind of like. That's your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don't want to be seen with."
"Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you"
"love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone."
"infatuation is when you find somebody who is absolutely perfect. Love is when you realize that they aren’t and it doesn’t matter."
"the reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
f you look closely you might see someone like you. Someone trying to find their way; someone trying to find their place; someone trying to find their self. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.
| — | One Tree Hill |
"Lauren: I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think that every girl wants to be the right person. Every girl wants to be the one girl that can change that guy.
Lo: But why do you have to have "that guy" you have to change, don’t you want to meet somebody that’s good already?
Lauren: That’s too easy."
"There's always that one guy that you will always go back to. Even though you date other people in between, you are always in the back of your mind hoping to run into that guy."
"word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice."
"take pride in your pain, you are stronger than those who have none"
"people generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for"
giving up is not one thing. it is not that you gave up trying, or gave up fighting, or whatever it may be. giving up is two things. you give up, and then you also give up the feeling of saying "i did it".
""I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. I never said there wouldn’t be tears, I just promised to be there if there was. I never said it would be true love, I only said you’d know if it was. I never promised it would be forever, I only said to love unconditionally and generously with no recognition of time. I never said to hold on at all costs, I only said one day you’d have to let go and be free. I never said you’d get the rainbow without getting through the rain, I only said the sun is always brighter than the storm. I never said you wouldn’t cry, or feel like your heart had died. I never said you wouldn’t change inside. And if I had, I’d have lied"
we all need to decide whether to “play it safe” in life and worry about the downside, or instead take a chance, by being who we really are and living the life our heart desires. Which choice are you making?
etimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong, only because it’s so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize you’re happy.
“
| — | One Tree Hil faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. -hebrews coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.-einstein i'm the one that has to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. There are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else." courage does not always mean standing in front of a crowd, or sky diving from an airplane, or even running into a burning building...courage is more often the opposite. Courage is turning attention away from yourself. |
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