melrox.online: August 2010

til xmas comes.

GOALS OF THE REMAINDER OF 2010.

-run. get in shape
-learn piano again
-finish writing 2 or 3 books
-get an agent

regrets

if i look back and taste regret
then let me binge and not forget
because i have cried
and i have laughed
while living life became my craft
but I'll let you know
that not a second, i'd take back
the past's not dead, so leave the black
cause even pictures play a part
in painting future as an art
i don't regret, i don't regret
the love too little
the pain too much
the fight for people
that i've lost touch
call me masochist
cause i know pain
shows you sun behind the rain.

clouds

wishes turn to vanity

and minds mold into one

teardrops stain the pillow

till morning when you're done

dreams reshape the chaos

while running you go on

hoping for a better

counting blades amongst your lawn

pretty songs stir up emotions

as reflections tend to drown

crying to your conscience

calming ups to become down

though words become a pen

writing logic in the dark,

it's versatility of one's memory

that ends up as a mark

crumbs

what if's still play their song
coulda woulda shoulda they sing.
and i wonder if they sing to you
or if the song, only i can hear.

hipsters

a while ago this guy decided to add me on facebook that I didn't know,
so instead of accepting it i just messaged him and asked him how I knew him or where i knew him from...he replied going "oh i don't think we do, whoops". no big deal. A week later however, he pulls the typical creepy "well since we're facebook friends, we should get to know each other a little better ;)". Okay so look. You're 30 so that's an automatic no, but on top of that......we're not facebook friends. I ignored you.
Then as i was downtown with my friends, standing in the back alley of a vintage store, this man slowly walks up to us and is looking at me as if he's about to ask me something. So thinking maybe he liked one of the things I'd just bought or somethinnnggg, i go "hi can i help you?".
"I think i know you"
"Oh?"
"yeah.......you're that girl from facebook"
Then it automatically clicked in, his face was familiar too. WTF! SKETCH.
"oh.....riiiiiigghhtttt..you're that guy i asked how i knew." (frick frick how do i leave)
"yea. melissa right? how's it been?"
"good i gotta go though, bye"
"good seeing you" he called after me as i walked off. wow creepy.

:(

my dearest cassandra.
i honestly cannot believe that you're leaving. It seemed like just yesterday we were in grade one, and i decided to be your friend because you were a loner jk jk :P But no honestly, i remember everything all so vividly like it was just yesterday that we were playing house on your bunkbed with the asian dolls your dad always brought you from china, or having picnics with raw mr noodles in your front yard, playing tag with nick buse cause he had a crush on you, playing boo boo land (and the frign wingding lol) getting called out most years for friendship issues...usually with me being the one in tears HAHA, to soccer practices in the rain and day trips to victoria island, "issue tissue" and drawing fashion girls in grade 4, making our "machines" and having lloyd put duck tape in my hair, to love notes from kenny....there's so much more.

and now you're off the university. this is unreal. we always talked about all this stuff....but differently. I can't believe you're leaving. Cassy I'm going to miss you so much you don't even know. You were honestly like a sister to me. You didn't put up with my shit, i didn't put up with yours, some years we fought like there was no tomorrow, and the next minute we knew exactly how each other's next sentence would finish...thanks for growing up with me, thanks for always being there for me, especially in my toughest situations. You have such a good heart. Honestly, you're always there for people, always ready to talk to someone, visit someone, bake cookies for someone, drive someone...whatever it may be. I can't wait to hear all your stories from university. <3

love you loser.

read

"the best books are the ones that destroy the weakness of cliches and write their own"
-Mr. Gibs

k.m.r.

krisanthimum....
i didn't think I'd be missing you this much. But i do. It hasn't even been a week that you've been gone, and everyday I've cried. Not necessarily just because you're gone even. That's the sad part. But the part that gets me is that we never recovered. I don't know what broke us. I just know that i hate it. I hate that we lost our friendship. Because i was so different when we were close. I was more or less the version of me that i need to become again. I never thought that you'd be the one to help me see my flaws. I always thought that it was you who was blinded. That it was you who needed to see the real me. But here i am realizing that it's your words that are still in my head. Parts of conversations we had after sweden, little tiny moments where i got to experience friendship with you again, your understanding...it just made me realize how wrong I was, am. It also got to me how other people around you looked at you. I've never seen any few people care about someone as much as your friends care about you kris. It means something. Not that you were the funniest person they knew. Not that you were the prettiest person they knew. Not that you were the smartest person they knew (even though you are all of the above)...but because you were the most honest and genuine, caring, and trustworthy friend.

You taught me so much just by who you are kristie. And i mean that with all sincerity. I love you, and i miss you as my best friend. I just can't believe it took me this long to realize. <3

miss you lots

here's to breathing

i think the point of life is to chase those dreams we doubt deep down, to fall in love when we're afraid of hugs, to call shots on the stars that will one day shoot, to make friends that you fight with daily because you both know you're too good of friends to go anywhere no matter how big the fight, to give people the benefit of the doubt and second chances, but to trust nobody but yourself, to get old without growing tired, and to fear no one but God.

-Mr. Gibs

first time i actually paid attention to this song

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

the rest is still unwritten.

officially 8 incomplete novels... goal til next september?
finish writing at least four of them.

i hope you find it. miley cyrus.

i miss you.

see you in december

my sister just walked out the door...
to be honest i always thought I'd be the first to leave. Always thought I'd be booking it out the front door once the diploma was in my hand. I don't think it's hit me yet...that people are leaving. Even tonight as i stood hugging her, i was too tired to process what was actually happening. December. For people who wake up and walk downstairs and see each other, december is a long time away. Despite the fact we didn't get along that well, the last few days i felt like she was my sister the way she always had been way back. I felt like i was actually going to care way..way..more than i thought i would. It's a season of change. My turn to step up to the plate now.

I'm going to miss you more than you probably realize Kristie. have fun at wheaton. meet lots of people & be safe.

have it my way

I would be living in LA, writing novels that would become movies, writing poetry, and starring in films with a non profit organization called "FAR" (Foreign Animal Rescue) founded and running. I would have graduated from Columbia and be now living on the beach....

the beginning.

pick a vowel.

you feel based on anticipation of what you hope for in future, what you fear in the present, and what you know from the past.

-Mr Gibs.

real.

its funny how just one human has the ability to walk into your life and change it completely. And you think back to that point in time when you first met them, and wonder what if that hadn't happened. Because the people we know influence the decisions we make, and the decisions we make determine the path of our life, and the path of our life determines the person we become. The sad thing is you only realize it when that person who walked in, walks out.

retweet j.

this has nothing to do with twitter actually, i just wanted to put a nice little name in there, and well....that's the best i got :P haha.

The publicity of your blog and what i said is fine. I'm not one for secrets. haha. I totally agree with everything you've said. I guess I just have too much time on my hands. Especially since my friends all pretty much have their signif others ;) haha. Like i've said and will continue to say, "change only sucks until you get used to it." I guess I'm just not very good at getting used to change. In fact i hate it. When i first painted the walls of my room, i slept terribly for the first week. Not because i didn't like the color of the walls, but because i wasn't used to it. But now i'm completely used to it and don't even think about it.

You're so right about how we didn't have to make any effort to be friends with people in highschool. And now, when i realize the effort I'm having to put in with certain people, it makes me realize who i WANT to put the time in for and the ones i don't. And it also makes me realize the people that want to put the time in for me and the ones that don't.

There's really nothing left to say now. Even goodbye is overrated. There's nothing good about it. We might as well just wave "bye" to people and accept it.

I'm gonna feel like the district manager of friendship's next year haha. Travelling from one place to the next to stay in touch. It'll happen though. :)

sunday post secret.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

- Steve Jobs

---

pain, love, and sorrow are the paint for the artists, the lyrics of the musicians, the stanza of each poet.

-Mr. Gibs

:D

"smile as if you've never been hurt, as if nothing bad has ever happened, as if they never got to you. And show them all you've still got teeth"
-mg.

one card and the games over.

"not everyone in your life will like you. No matter how hard you try to please them, someone will always have something against you for some reason or another. But just because one person may not like your smile, doesn't mean you should stop smiling. Just because one person doesn' tlike your voice, doesn't mean you should stop talking. Just because one person doesn't like your choices, doesn't mean you shouldn't choose. Jut because one person doesn't like your moves, doesn't mean you should stop dancing. Just because one person doesn't like your heart, doesn't mean you should stop loving"

- mr gibs.

you wouldn't believe me

you wouldn't believe me if i told you

but it's up to you what you see

i can't change the craft of your eyes

or even hope that you agree

But I'll let you take words without meaning

and let your mind define what's there

Because one poem of a million

could be one to strike you where you care

But i see you, and I see the sky in your eyes

I can see you, see the truth behind your lies

I see your lonely and your pride

I see the pain that breaks your stride

I see the smile that fades away

and hear the words you dare not say

But that's all.

Your guard is good, I'll give you that

Flat, it's so down pat

You wouldn't believe me though, if i told you

that it's okay to care.

-mr gibs.

too little. too late.

i know it's all so cliche
but maybe that's what it was all about
being the overplayed song on the radio
being the Lord of the Rings rerun
being the knock knock of jokes
but everything's all just too little too late
a death in the dark, a walk in the park
and there's no rock paper scissors when it comes to time
you can't kill time with a gun
time kills you
and everything's all just too little too late now
it's a shame. the way life does that.
gain or pain
no grey clouds that don't rain
now the jokes on you. move on
and if at first you don't succeed, lie lie again.
because everything's all just too little too late

kris kross

my dear older sister. It's incredibly weird to think that in such a short amount of time, you will be off to chicago..300 dollars away. I can't remember the last time i had to pay to see you. It's your birthday today, and you're 19 so happy birthday...what am i going to do without you. I love you so much kristie michelle roxburgh. Your empty bedroom is going to be so...so...so weird to look at. Thinking about it just makes me sad already. I'll try not to go in it without asking you while you're gone, but i have a feeling you'll be taking most of your stuff anyways ;) haha. Kris kross, you'll always be my favorite older sister.

i'm funny.

it's funny.
a while ago now, i had this day where i kept getting nudged to text this friend of mine. And i kept brushing it off because i kept thinking "so out of the blue? i have no reason to text him at the moment". Not that i didn't want to, but i didn't wanna have small chat for no reason. I hadn't talked to him in a few weeks and he wasn't the kind of friend i have small chat with. He's the kind I'd have a decent conversation with.
Anyways, so it comes to the evening and i still didn't text him. I wound up at the park, on the swings, where i usually do when I'm killing time or just want to think (fun fact: i have a fetish for swings) and i pull out my phone and i hear that little voice at the back of my head again "text him". So finally i decide to shut this voice up and see what happens, if there's a reason for me to text him. So i do.

"Hey what's up, I had the urge to text you today, haha not totally sure why"

But it was his reply that made me laugh.

"Hey, that's so funny, at work today i kept getting this feeling that you were going to text me today"

And it occured to me that God was playing with me. See, I look for humor in a guy. It's probably one of the more important things to me. This friend of mine is hilarious and passionate about God, so i think God was saying to me "see, I can be funny too, look for my humor". It sucks. when God starts trying to get your attention again eh.

the little things.

This school, built me. I'm not one to be deep and emotional all the time, haha for sure not. But at the same time whenever i think about grad, a sad tug in my heart happens, and I start to reminisce. No but seriously, this school built me.

In elementary school I wasn't the kid to cry when their parents left them. No in fact, i was more fascinated by the pencil holders we were all given with our names on them. I was too distracted by these to notice when my parents even left the class. They were blocks that looked like black boards, and had a small decoration apple on the end of it. My apple fell off within a year..

I remember learning how to slide scissors across paper in a way that made a clean cut edge, and the many times i practiced this and failed miserably ripping my paper in the process. I remember giving my friend an apple seed and telling him that if he planted it an apple tree would grow "my Nana said so". I remember my first kindergarten kiss on the playground, and being absolutely disgusted because boys had cooties. I think he missed anyways.

Highschool, is now in the same boat as my kindergarten memories though. Memories. It's so weird to think that. That we won't be going back to highschool in September. And i think about all the petty little fights i had with people, and it just makes me laugh. What was the point? And i remember thinking i'd be thinking that later on....well here i am. I remember getting mad at joanne for who knows what, and Cassy for who knows what. What was it worth? Nothing more than something to look back at and shake your head at.

Call me creepy for noticing the little things, but I know I'm not the only one (cough* joanne *cough) who does. The pod for instance. You walk into our pod, and you've got the asian crew along the lockers closest to beebe's class, and then alyssa, emma, chelsea, etc. in front of them on those benches, and then you've got yoris leo etc (unless they were wandering around) on the far end by engler's class. By the lockers closer to the office side you had kierra justine... you had erica and jenna walking around most of the time, but i always remembered them standing around the lockers by the girl's bathroom. I could list everyone else, but you get the jist.

And it's just sad because I'm going to miss the little things the most. Isn't that always how it is. Nevermind grad rafting, or grad even for that matter. I'd give grad up in an instant to live in the little things again for a while. Like scooting around the science lab, because that's how everyone got around that room, unless of course you were stuck on one of the broken chairs, then sucks to be you kiddo :P. Or what about the librarian shushing people for absolutely no reason, because "we were being quiet" and her little spectacle that everyone would bond over after she'd left by eye glances that meant inside we were all bursting out in laughter. What about everyone sleeping on the benches in the pod.

I can remember everyone specifically too, joanne walking into school with her small girl swag on, wet hair in the mornings a lot of the time, backback on, and another bag in hand, straight to her locker, where someone or another would go and talk to her, just because that's Joanne for you :) Or Therese rockin the uniform accessories, or Cassy a lot of the time pulling off the "i don't give a ___" look and Miles teasing her for it the way he teased everyone in general. Or Zane's comfy looking shoes that looked a little like slipper shoes. David strutting up and down the hall on a mission most of the time. Trevor, never found without his guitar sticks or his laptop, it was always one or the other. JR, NEVER without his headphones, bopping along to his ipod. Travis, always on his phone...always. If no one was texting him, he'd pull it out of his pocket at least once during conversations lol. Jeff getting worked up about something or another with a slight romanian accent. In fact i can hear his "WHAT, no!" in my head right now. Natalie laughing along to anything and everything haha. Levi standing there, arms folded looking curious and on occasion giving the suspicious eye, Luke by his side. Femi with his water jug, chin up, walking in his Femi way, arms out for a hug to whoever was closest. Carmela pulling a dance move in awkward moments, or pulling the sexy/serious face pose.

These are the things I'm gonna miss. a lot. too much in fact.

sunday post secrets

10 things.

when something doesn't bend, it breaks...

1) we were friends. That's all i want. seriously...i don't get it.

2) hey fag who lives in richmond. come back.

3) I guess everything happens for a reason right?...that's what you were. thanks for being a reminder about the things i need to concentrate on. I hope you're doing okay :(

5) this is not up to you anymore. everyone's always being the bigger person for you, when it should be the opposite. "In humility, consider others better than yourself"...isn't that how it goes?

6) "strangers are people who know you for how you want them to know you, where friends see through that...which is why they're friends" kind of sums it up.

7) i see you. broken. i wish you weren't so lonely. stay strong for me. things will get better. I promise.

8) I'm going to miss you. chicago is too far away. But it'll be good for you. <3

9) i should have said thank you a long time ago.

10) _____________________________

??

grounded and graduated...
im not sure which part of that sentence makes sense.

summer 2010.

this was not the summer i wanted or expected..

in reality

"life's not fair" is a poor excuse for "I'm not willing to try to make it fair"

tough brood.

Guess what...

If you think about it...Prince charming was the prince for a few disney movies. So this Prince charming guy..? Yeah, he was a player. Landed Snow White AND cinderella. So don't think he's all he's cracked up to be. Don't expect that he doesn't probably have a few other princesses in far away lands as well. Welcome to reality people. Fairytales aren't all they're cracked up to be. These princesses never got their happily ever after either.

facebook status i saw:

-it's so sad how people become who they promised they'd never be

no this does not mean all people. But holy crap....agreed beyond belief. And can't say i'm faultless when it comes to this either, which i guess is what makes me agree with it so much. In fact there's a lot of things i said I'd never do, or traits I said I'd never possess....which now i do. It just makes you think eh? The plot line of everyone's life. And how that one fight with someone, or that one bad relationship, or that one night, that one test, that one choice....made them go left rather than straight.

sunday post secrets

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