my mattress says vogue

my mattress says vogue

i look back on some of my earliest blogs, and along with the smile comes a little cringe. I mean, i sound like i was trying to be all deep and profound. It's just funny though, trying to remember the mindset i had back when i was writing them over a year ago.

Here's what's running through my mind at the moment though...
lately a friend of mine has been helping me out with prayer. It's so foreign coming back to all of it, and honestly a part of me doesn't want to. I'd definately be okay with not for just a little while longer, putting it off just for another while or so. But then at the same time, THAT scares me even more to an extent. Like i've said, and i'll say it again, i'm a black and white kind of person. And as much as i'd like to be grey right now, i know that it's only being "lukewarm" and i know God spits those kinds of people out of his mouth.
I guess i should just take some of my own advice eh, give God complete control. I'm just not ready to....but once again, i need to take my own advice with what i spoke on in chapel too. "strength comes from letting go. ugh. I guess where i'm at in a nutshell is that
- I've been getting so many nudges from God to go back to him
- I don't want to change so parts of my life
- I'm scared to not change, and deal with bigger consequences than i planned on

:S