glass slippers

glass slippers

When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he’s everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot; he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.

– Taylor Swift

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frustration

frustration

open the closed door.

walk on into something more

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ow.

ow.

is this one thing.. really going to keep me from living? from acting. is this some challenge God put in my life to test me? or is it just unfortunate coincidence. I can pray for it to go away, but honestly...im just straight up scared it never ever will.

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do i deserve to pray?

do i deserve to pray?

i know i'm sick. but the scary part is i don't know what with.

which means i don't know how to get better either...

i'm tired of being "careful"

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too night.

too night.

this i realized...is why i can't dance

because i know the steps

know the beat

i know which way to move my feet

but i don't want to show

don't want to bow

just in case i "don't know how"

i realized this is why i don't smile

i know the gesture

i know the way

know when after which words to say

but i don't want to smile

don't want to frown

just in case you shut me down

because you can't break what's broken

you can't speak what's spoken

you can't change, and you can't bend

you can't heal, and you can't mend

and this i realized is why i don't

why i don't, why i won't

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////

////

i keep people at a distance.
that's just what i do.

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i'm not invincible

i'm not invincible

i've come to realize that i'm not invincible. I've come to realize that words hurt, and rejection scars. I've come to realize that no matter how many times you get back up, you'll always keep count. I've realized that faking it til you make it is not aknowledged as strength. I've come to realize that feeling nothing at all means you're only strong on the outside, and that no matter who you hurt, you're hurting yourself 10 times more. I'm not invincible. I can't fly, i don't have superpowers. I've come to realize that with every dangerous choice, i get closer and closer to "chance" showing me its ugly side. With every risk, and opportunity to reap the consequences. Bad things happen. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. Sometimes i will fail. Sometimes i will hurt. Sometimes i will regret. I will wish i had done things differently. Wish that i hadn't thought everything would always work out to my advantage just because i'm me. I'm not invincible. never will be.

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weak end.

weak end.

i hate it how there's no halfway
no question mark that ends in grey
you lose a friend
that is the end.

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make what you smile

make what you smile

sometimes...people hold their breath

they hope, they pray, but forget

to leave their lies in yesterday

rehearsed a smile, that crooked line

fear held high like a flashing sign

sometimes people hold their breath

they wait for that moment

that fragile second

but soon despond

realizing in order to catch

you have to throw

learn to plant

to see it grow

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fresh air

fresh air

to just get up and leave
your fingerprints on the doorway
to just run, far
without a car for a getaway
to just walk on
leave regret in the mailbox
to lock
shut, when the past knocks
watch the newspapers pile
upon the doorpost
cause its old news, old bruise
found yourself a new muse
and now you're clever enough to see
yesterday's lullaby
is tomorrow's symphany
teardrops to raindrops
to rainbow, your epitome
so get up and leave
your fingerprints on the doorway

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part two (L)

part two (L)

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no excuses

no excuses

just do it.

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this is real.

this is real.

no suzanne haha i am not writing this because i know you know my blog, but with every acting class, every time i'm on set as an extra i become more and more excited about it. Seriously, every time i get that attachment for a new "side" (i've learnt that a side is 'part of a script') i become more and more and more excited.

Recently though i was informed that when i'm scared or nervous...i have a certain strategy. It's my defense mechanism...my natural reaction i guess...and it's not a good one at that. My way of protecting myself from embarrassment or insecurity is to be a bitch. i was completely unaware until my acting coach pointed it out. Cause all I'M thinking is "holy crap im nervous/intimidated right now". I wonder how you change that.

I mean it's funny though. Cause i'm really good at picking out other people's automatic defense mechanisms, which they don't realize they're doing, but i can't pick up on my own.

and okay the caffeine deprivation has officially taken over my brain so i cannot finish this blog, which was poorly written due to this lil nuisance anyways haha. gnite

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no one really blogs anymore

no one really blogs anymore

i can't think of anything i'd rather do than this. act. I wanna win an oscar as cheesy as that sounds. I'm jumping a bit ahead of myself yes. But i just wanna have something so unique about my acting that's not so trivial and obvious. this is what i want to do. act.

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ACTION

ACTION

i want to act. more than you'd ever know. this is where my heart is at.

but my comfort zone is killing me.

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