12 days of christmas

12 days of christmas

i hope to everyone who can read this that you can see which parts are for you. Because i do specifically have stuff to say to everyone i know. Well, everyone who has been a part of my life recently that is..

Who i became is directly from these people...and I'm not ashamed of who they created me to be. They've been through it all. The bad...the worse....and the better. They've endured bitch fests and gossip vents. 2am phone calls and essay long letters. They've endured mood swings and embarrassing highs...thanks. For always sticking by. For always listening. For always being crazy enough to do something stupid with me...for staying in the bubble. Thanks for setting me up with people hahahaha, and for making things awkward in my times of need...thats a true friend. for realz. in my words, true friends are not nice...they're people who make moments that they'll know you'll look back on and go "dammmn that was a good time"

DAY #

2) Where do i even start...Whenever i think of talking to someone, you're still one of the first people that come to mind. I remember first realizing i had classes with you. I was worried that it would be a hard year because I didn't know you ATTTT all. i'm pretty sure i had never talked to you before grade 10. And people told me "you'll get to know her"..and well look at that. You're one of my best friends to this day. Thanks for being my creeper friend with me. Thanks for doodling in history class with me, thanks for those pages that now are folded in a drawer for me to take out every once in a while and laugh at. Pages and pages of notes written between the classes we didn't have together and lots of facebooking...lots and lots of it. Thank you. I have always told you that you saved me. I always have and i always will. The beginning of grade 11 was frankly...ridiculous. Without rehashing it, i think its fair to say that we both didn't have our heads screwed on straight at the time. Thank you for the apology you gave me back then when drama broke out though. Its stuck in my head to this very day. You make me cry. You see something in me that I really don't deserve. But at the same time, it strengthens me. It pushes me to be true to myself despite the negativity.

That's whats always been great about you. You're always there. Always. despite everything....you're always there. You always listen. And in that way you're much much stronger than anyone ill ever know. You stand true to who you are no matter what. You're a leader. And one day you're going to go somewhere with that and change a lot of people's lives the way you changed mine. You're the apple at the top of the tree...don't be sad if it takes him a long time to see you, because only the ones that drop or fall to the ground are seen first. But once someone gets to know you, it's hard to let you go. You have this quiet strength. This "I know who i am...don't try and change me". i guess you're stubborn. In the bestest way possible. And you're so...not stupid haha. I mean you get exactly what someone is trying to say, or exactly what they're thinking. The amount of times i haven't been able to put something into words and you just finish the sentence for me. My life would be so different without you. I'm so fricking glad you were there for me. So fricking glad you were a part of my life. You just radiate love and compassion. Seriously, you're the epitome of a true friend despite the fact that we've drifted apart.

<3

3) Crazy eh....elementary school where we first met. And now we're ending together in highschool. Words just cannot say how grateful i am that you have been there for me over the years. No words can say how funny it how things even played out. That we've still stuck together despite our moments of seperation. Just even looking back though, I remember playing dolls on your bunkbed, with the asian dolls your dad brought back, and pretending there were bad guys coming to hurt us. Little did we know that years later, there would be bad guys coming to hurt us, guys that would break our hearts and we'd need something to protect us other than a bunkbed. I always knew you'd be my friend no matter how big the fight was, or no matter how ridiculous we acted. I always figured it would we'd end together no matter how we actually felt about each other. And for a time i unfairly tried to distance myself from you. I guess that's what happens when I disagree with something. I run from it. And i thought that paths we were taking were different, and i just wanted to run away from you. But I guess i only saw a mask instead of being an actual friend and looking behind your mask. And one day i realized that i saw you wrong. That there was something hurting you. I'm sorry for betraying you, and not having your back during a time when you needed a friend the most. And i guess that's why you went to him. I guess that's why you're so close. But I wanted to say sorry for not seeing what i see now. I guess you can be friends with someone your whole life, but never really know them at all. You're stronger than most people i know. And you have this unbreakable visage to you that makes people listen to you. I may not get you all the time, but I'll always be there for you. I want you to know that you're one of my closest friends, and that's the way its gonna stay. I just wish that you could let your walls down for someone to come in. You guard yourself so closely, and sometimes i just wish that you let them down for even a few moments so that people could help you. You don't always have to fight everything on your own. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. <3

4) I'm not hurt because you take everything i love away from me just to exercise your power. I don't hate you because of your rules. I don't hate you even because of how irrational you are. I'm hurt because we don't love each other anymore. I'm hurt because of how you look at my sister and seem so proud, so close, so happy. You rush to drive with her, and you always have long talks with her. You give her books you read and tell her that they'd be good for her. You always talk to her during dinner and ask her about everything as if you're so incredibly proud. And you never look at me that way. You never tell me that i did a good job at something...and when you do compliment me its always "potential", as if you're dissapointed that i'm NOT that even if i could be. Just put down your pride...please. Just be the person i used to look up to. Be the person i used to strive to impress. Make me wanna stay home, make me wanna love the God you follow again...please don't drive me away. I just want you to be truly sorry...for once in your life. Because everytime you hug me, you say things will get better. But you say it as if "melissa you're going to change, which will make things better." There's no sorry in your voice. There's a spot in my heart that's empty, and every day i look at you hoping that you'll be the same person that used to fill it...What happened to you? "if you want love, you're gonna have to love somebody, if you want respect, youre gonna have to respect somebody"

5) You're my mirror. Seriously. I see so much of me in you. We're so alike it's ridic. Everytime i say something to you, or you say something to me its like WOAH did that come from my mouth or yours? I know we're not super close, and i know i make empty promises to hangout, but I really do want to see you soon. Your life is a tv show. I wish i had magic words to say everything is going to work out, and its so much easier since i'm not emotionally connected to everything the way you are. I can just say "do this!", but its so much easier for me to say it, than for you to do it. And i shouldn't be telling you what to do anyways since we are in the same crap situation. We are living the same life, going through the same motions...but all i can say is that don't ever feel embarrassed to tell me something. chances are i'm thinking it too. I love you. stay strong. And know I'm always here for you <3

6) I just met you. And in all honesty, i thought you'd be that kind of friend that i saw once in a while, and talked to occasionally, and then as life moved on, so would we. But for some reason we stuck. You are such a fun person to be around, and seriously you make me laugh. But i wish i could help you more...what you're going through is something you don't deserve. You're so strong though, and i wish that you could see everything that you have going for yourself. You don't deserve to be called a "psycho"...really. you don't one bit. Any guy stupid enough to let go of you doesn't really see who you are. Hold your head up girl. And DON'T stop fighting for yourself, because while you don't have anyone to fight for you right now, one day the right guy is gonna come along and fight for you. And know that I'm always here for you too. =)

7) I'm glad that we're talking again. I mean when i met you a year ago you were so easy to talk to. And you made me laugh too. I have to admit, i was interested in you...but it faded over those months where i never saw you or talked to you. But now that we're talking again, its good to have you back as a friend. And I'm glad that's what it is too. 

8) You made such a mark on my life. And its weird to think of how quickly i walked away from you. We spent so much time together, and you opened my eyes to so much. You not only heard my rants, you also put me in my place, and told me what to do. When to snap out of it, and when to stand strong. I let people out of my life so easily, and i hope that you don't feel singled out...i really didn't want you to leave, but theres a part of me that just lets people come and go, as if thats life...but you made me realize i don't want that part of me to be like that anymore. Thank you, and I do want you in my life still. i promise.

9) When i said "no" to going out with you...i didn't mean i didn't want to be your friend either. But you stopped talking to me. Or maybe its just that you got tired of trying. But even when i tried to be friendly to you after you were cold. I guess that's just the way it works in life. I hope you find a girl who makes you happier than you've ever been and one who's good for you too. 

10) I don't know where you are right now, or how you've been. I just know that you were someone i respected during those 2 months of my life. You were so easy to talk to, and such a strength for me. Nothing seemed to phase you even though you wore stress all over your face. I know you've been through so much...but you were so open to everything i stood for too, even offering to pray at a meal one day, and posting a note i gave you on facebook. Wherever you are...I hope that you'll find yourself one day and be happy.

11) You're crazy...in the best way possible. I mean it. You have this personality that just lights up a room. You never ever ever make anyone feel judged or unwanted, and you are so beautiful inside and out that everybody around you feels as if they've known you their whole life. I'm so glad i got to know you better this year. I'm sorry for everything you hid at home, but I'm so glad that things are changing. Thanks for always putting a smile on my face, IB wouldn't have been the same without you. 

12) Happy birthday. I know we haven't talked in a long long long time...it's my fault. i just can't be your friend right now. Not because of anything you've done...not at all. But because of who I have become. I've changed...a lot. I guess I can only really blame myself no matter how many times i think of how much other people have affected me. It was ultimately my choice to change instead of staying true to myself. But that's how i fought for myself....by changing. And by changing i let you go. I let you go because of the fact that he was friends with you, or at least said he was. i know you want us to work things out, but I can't...not right now. Give me time, please I promise I'll come back, but right now I just need to leave you alone. I still love you, but I want to be a good friend, and right now I'm not even close to close. I'm sorry. Keep waiting.