river flows in me

river flows in me

i never said i hated you. Because i thought i never did. But how can i be so against everything you were, and yet not hate you? I avoided you as much as i could, and whenever you came up i took the opposing position. So how could i not hate you...When non christians started talking to me about their outlook on religion, i said "i would say that i believe, i'm just not living it"...which is in otherwords the most meaningless statement of faith. It's as if i wanted to be connected to God for the advantages that held, but live without its rules.

Today i went to church. I have my sister to thank for that. People...you can beg and plead for me to do something. I'm stubborn as heck so it won't make much difference what you say to me. I believe what i want to believe and i don't what i don't want to believe. So if you used all your energy to try and convince me to come to church and i didn't want to...tough luck. But thanks to my sister i was forced to go because she needed me to cover her kidzone shift. I really had no choice. But deep down...i wanted to go.

it hurts to hear when your best friends can't even talk to you about the changes they see in you. It sucks to know that you were once "good"...and now everyone wonders what happened to you. I don't want to be tainted. I don't want regrets on my shoulders. I did this all wrong, it's about going about it the RIGHT way. Nobody said i have to be perfect or fake. I just need to be real with myself.