melrox.online

my mattress says vogue

i look back on some of my earliest blogs, and along with the smile comes a little cringe. I mean, i sound like i was trying to be all deep and profound. It's just funny though, trying to remember the mindset i had back when i was writing them over a year ago.

Here's what's running through my mind at the moment though...
lately a friend of mine has been helping me out with prayer. It's so foreign coming back to all of it, and honestly a part of me doesn't want to. I'd definately be okay with not for just a little while longer, putting it off just for another while or so. But then at the same time, THAT scares me even more to an extent. Like i've said, and i'll say it again, i'm a black and white kind of person. And as much as i'd like to be grey right now, i know that it's only being "lukewarm" and i know God spits those kinds of people out of his mouth.
I guess i should just take some of my own advice eh, give God complete control. I'm just not ready to....but once again, i need to take my own advice with what i spoke on in chapel too. "strength comes from letting go. ugh. I guess where i'm at in a nutshell is that
- I've been getting so many nudges from God to go back to him
- I don't want to change so parts of my life
- I'm scared to not change, and deal with bigger consequences than i planned on

:S

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blurb

i've kind of just given blurbs of random things since grad. Haven't written written in a long time, and joanne's ramble motivated me to get to it.....

so i got my IB diploma...not exactly as high as i would have liked, but its too late to do anything about that now, but as everyone's preparing for school, getting enrolled, buying dorm things, bed covers, pillows, picture frames, finding out who's on their floor...and as i sat with joanne as she chose her classes, i got excited...even though i'm not going anywhere. I'm tempted to just apply for spring 2011 and differ if i'm still not ready to go back to school. But at least i know i'll be able to get into schools :P.

It's just weird seeing that this is where life is taking us all. People are spreading out, and it sucks. Talking to joanne, she said "i just keep waiting for someone to wake me up from this dream", and i agree. Like when is someone going to tell me that i still have to hand in my essay, or when am i going to go and sleep in the pod again, walk into the caf and see if anyone's in there, or grab a late slip cause i accidently slept in, tuck my shirt in frantically as i walk past a teacher... i mean i know change only sucks until you get used to it, but i guess then at the moment i just know i'm waiting for goodbyes still, like my sister...who's going to chicago for her undergrad. "i'll be back for the holidays" yeah okay...not the same. other people going off to other places too. I guess i just got so comfortable, it was fine the way it was. Life has a habit of changing things up when i least want them to change.

at the same time...im excited for a good summer. I don't know how it's going to be, but i know it's going to be good. :)

that wasn't half the blurb i intended to write, but i'm watching the bachelorette so im a little distracted :P

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no.regrets.

don't count on tomorrow
tomorrow might be too late
don't count on waiting
because sometimes other people don't
better safe than sorry is sometimes the best way to end up sorry

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sometimes we get lost along the way

"so many times we look forward, hoping to visualize the better, more put together, more in touch with ourself, version of who we see and want to be, this black concrete image....but i've come to realize that sometimes when you look back, you realize that that black concrete visualization can sometimes become a grey mess you now sit in. So you say you'll go back to the way you used to be and try again. But there is no going back, there only is going forward. The new black image affected by the old grey mess. And what makes you think that your perfect black image will stay there, put together, like a finish line you're working towards. Along the way you forget what your goal looked like to begin with. It is only ever useful if you're building your concrete black image in the present rather than the future..."
-mr gibs

i told myself that to become the better version of me, i'd take a step back from what i thought was fake christianity and so later on i'd be able to take two steps forward. But whenever you take a step back from something in order to take two steps forward, you'll never take those two steps in the same direction....in fact, your forward could have been your backwards, meaning you really just took three steps back.
I thought in order to become the "real" version of me, i'd live in reality rather than the bubble i found life had created for me. But now more than ever, i've realized that by trying to open my eyes more, i just closed them to the points of view i didn't want to deal with. I was so convinced that my trials of trying to figure out what i wanted as my morals and values were effectively turning me into someone real...i was wrong.

thank you kristie. we don't always agree, but the things that stuck in my mind are pushing points for me and i can't say i didn't agree with them. I agreed with a lot. Mind you its about how we go about them that makes us different.

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marks

our IB marks are up
unfortunately i don't have my login information because i LOST the sheet which had it on it, and mrs smith is away until august 30th.....so i'm screwed. but the whole idea of university now is scaring me. My marks could have been way way way better. I don't know what i did to myself, but i became lazy and disorganized. What if my marks aren't even good enough now. i KNOW it's my own fault, but there's so much I would have liked to do in life, and i know no door is ever really closed, but i'm going to have to suffer the consequences of my laziness in IB i feel. Guess i won't know til i find my login info :S

so scared